And so bare is my heart, I can’t hide
And so where does my heart, belong
Beneath your tender touch
My senses can’t divide
Ohh so strong
You keep it all bottled up.
I lash out, cut/burn myself and take pills and electricity.
I know I said okay next year when things improve then we’ll get married. I know you said next year you’ll maybe be ready to consider having a baby with me.
I realize that I was wrong. I just can’t wait that long.
October 21 will be a year since Tallulah died. Next month.
I am 35 years old. If I get pregnant today I’ll be 40ish when he or she goes to kindergarten. 50 when he or she is 10.
Yes, I already know what you will say. You’ll say we’ve already discussed this and agreed to wait. You’ll say I go back and forth on whether I want another baby or not.
Let’s talk about that.
Reasons I don’t want another baby:
- Fear of losing him or her
- Guilt, feeling like I am somehow dishonoring my daughters memory by having another baby
Reasons I want another baby:
- Being a mom is the best job I’ve ever had, I love my children more than anything or anyone else
- Although I know nothing can replace Tallulah, I still have a lot of love to give.
- You. I love you, Josh. I want this with you. You are a great dad.
I guess I am being selfish and unreasonable but as much as I love you, this desire to have another child is only growing stronger and deeper.
The reasons to not have a baby are all fear-based. The reasons to have another one are all about love. Love is stronger than fear.
We might have been great together if we had met sooner. We are just at different places, mentally and in life.
This is too important to me. I’m sorry.