You got me


Wanting to be better. Not for your brothers, like I guess it should be, just for you.

Dead daughter.

Oh.

So many people you never got to meet. And I’ll never know if it was something I did or didn’t do or just BAM time’s up!

Dead.

Your name was Tallulah. You would have begrudged me, that.

Tallulah. 

The things you were. The things you could have seen AND BEEN!

Baby, you will never even know what real food tastes like. I have all of your experiences for you.

Goddamn. Baby girl.

We walk around, sometimes, all five of us and I’m so sorry, so goddamn sorry that it isn’t you.

You.

I don’t understand it. I never will, I guess.

Do you remember anything?? Do you know how much I really fucking wanted you?

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Gone


He’s gone.

Start the clock.

Tick tick tick tick

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You are not ready, but I am…


And so bare is my heart, I can’t hide
And so where does my heart, belong
Beneath your tender touch
My senses can’t divide
Ohh so strong
My desire

-Undenied, Portishead

You keep it all bottled up.

I lash out, cut/burn myself and take pills and electricity.

I know I said okay next year when things improve then we’ll get married. I know you said next year you’ll maybe be ready to consider having a baby with me.
I realize that I was wrong. I just can’t wait that long. 

October 21 will be a year since Tallulah died. Next month.

I am 35 years old. If I get pregnant today I’ll be 40ish when he or she goes to kindergarten. 50 when he or she is 10.

Yes, I already know what you will say. You’ll say we’ve already discussed this and agreed to wait. You’ll say I go back and forth on whether I want another baby or not.

Let’s talk about that. 

Reasons I don’t want another baby:

  1. Money
  2. Fear of losing him or her
  3. Guilt, feeling like I am somehow dishonoring my daughters memory by having another baby

Reasons I want another baby:

  1. Being a mom is the best job I’ve ever had, I love my children more than anything or anyone else
  2. Although I know nothing can replace Tallulah, I still have a lot of love to give. 
  3. You. I love you, Josh. I want this with you. You are a great dad.

I guess I am being selfish and unreasonable but as much as I love you, this desire to have another child is only growing stronger and deeper. 

The reasons to not have a baby are all fear-based. The reasons to have another one are all about love. Love is stronger than fear. 

We might have been great together if we had met sooner. We are just at different places, mentally and in life.

This is too important to me. I’m sorry.

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Always Look On The Bright Side Of Your Life…


*whistles*

Okay, self. Let’s try something new for a change. I mean, the old, swirling darkness of hopelessness and despair was fun but it’s a bit…played out. You’re boring, self. So, in the interest of self-improvement, let’s think of the positive things that are happenening in your life:

Your boys – Ah, those maddeningly delightful, mischevious and sometimes hard to handle boys. You love them. You are proud of the men they are becoming. You try and do your best by them, sometimes you need to try harder, but all in all they are happy and healthy young men.

Okay, I will try and finish this now. Optimism, come back.

The new job is working out so far.

My boyfriend hasn’t left me yet.

His daughter hugged me and said she loves me.

I don’t have anything else.

I wish I was dead.

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Losing a child


On the mother’s condition: “she is breathing, but she is dying…”

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Goodbye, again


Seven months ago you died. Maybe Josh is right but I think I should keep my thoughts of you private. I think about you all the time. So much of me was buried with you, the good parts. The parts I wanted to give to you.

I hope there’s something nice for you out there.

Love,

Momma

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So…


Got engaged last night. On purpose. Not pregnant.

Squuueeeeeeeeeeeeeee

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