gulping saltwater

“Not everyone wears their scars on their skin.”
― Isla J. Bick

“So I go to the ocean to say goodbye…
We could have been so glorious.”
― Charlotte Eriksson

Somewhere on the side of HWY 71 lies my Saint Dymphna necklace that I have worn for almost 20 years, and my engagement ring – worn for six months maybe.

I cannot put into words what possessed me to throw out my last few valued possessions, nor will I attempt any such undertaking. What is there to say?

Ever feel that you are just drowning. Most people drown very silently. No one even sees them slip under the water. By the time their absence is noticed it is usually too late to save them.

This is how I feel.

Melodramatic? Maybe. Self-absorbed? Obviously.

All the good I have ever done has been done. There is nothing in this world to look forward to except death, and release from breathing.




There is no one I can go to with these thoughts or feelings. Not him. He is terrified of my relaxed laissez-faire attitude towards suicide.

Ah. My good friend. She understands. She waits for me.

“Did you really want to die?”
“No one commits suicide because they want to die.”
“Then why do they do it?”
“Because they want to stop the pain.”
― Tiffanie DeBartolo, How to Kill a Rock Star

“Some people are just not meant to be in this world. It’s just too much for them.”
― Phoebe Stone, The Boy on Cinnamon Street

Those happy things: marriage, a new baby. These things will never happen. How can they? The man that says he wants to marry me is the same man whose ring I tossed to the highway after a night of endless panic.

We never discuss marriage unless I bring it up – and it always seems to exasperate him. He likes waiting. To me waiting is drowning.

My brain has been put on a shelf for repairs. Some days are okay and some. Some I just feel so alone and so burdened down with responsibility I cannot breathe.

Another baby? Ha!

I am 35 years old now. I am no better off financially that when I was 25. Another baby.

I can’t even properly care for the two that survived me. I need to buy my boys new clothes. Clean their rooms. Clean this disgusting home that once held so many hopes but now just makes me tired and bitter.

I have nothing more to say for now. No one listens. They just want me to get up, go to work, provide. So I will, till it kills me.

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You got me

Wanting to be better. Not for your brothers, like I guess it should be, just for you.

Dead daughter.


So many people you never got to meet. And I’ll never know if it was something I did or didn’t do or just BAM time’s up!


Your name was Tallulah. You would have begrudged me, that.


The things you were. The things you could have seen AND BEEN!

Baby, you will never even know what real food tastes like. I have all of your experiences for you.

Goddamn. Baby girl.

We walk around, sometimes, all five of us and I’m so sorry, so goddamn sorry that it isn’t you.


I don’t understand it. I never will, I guess.

Do you remember anything?? Do you know how much I really fucking wanted you?

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Always Look On The Bright Side Of Your Life…


Okay, self. Let’s try something new for a change. I mean, the old, swirling darkness of hopelessness and despair was fun but it’s a bit…played out. You’re boring, self. So, in the interest of self-improvement, let’s think of the positive things that are happenening in your life:

Your boys – Ah, those maddeningly delightful, mischevious and sometimes hard to handle boys. You love them. You are proud of the men they are becoming. You try and do your best by them, sometimes you need to try harder, but all in all they are happy and healthy young men.

Okay, I will try and finish this now. Optimism, come back.

The new job is working out so far.

My boyfriend hasn’t left me yet.

His daughter hugged me and said she loves me.

I don’t have anything else.

I wish I was dead.

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Losing a child

On the mother’s condition: “she is breathing, but she is dying…”

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Goodbye, again

Seven months ago you died. Maybe Josh is right but I think I should keep my thoughts of you private. I think about you all the time. So much of me was buried with you, the good parts. The parts I wanted to give to you.

I hope there’s something nice for you out there.



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Got engaged last night. On purpose. Not pregnant.


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The trouble with having a one-track mind

Misheard QOTD:

J: I have the strangest erection right now.

K: (confused stare)

K: what’s wrong with your rectum?

J: ( Jaw drops) Nooo I said “erection”.

[Seconds earlier I told him that I wanted to fuck him in the ass, so naturally I was concerned that he had some health issues]

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