Since I was old enough to understand what it meant, I have wanted my PhD. Not just because it meant I was smart (find out later, school doesn’t mean that) but because I finished.
I would tell anyone who’d listen, or anyone standing near me, that one day I was going to get my doctorate. I would leave off the rest of that sentence, which, invariably was a “so go fuck yourself”
My mother remains the only member in my family to have graduated from college. I say that..but maybe I have had some cousins that have since gone and graduated, but fuck them.
She put herself through college with three very young children and a worthless husband, and became a RN.
Maybe that doesn’t mean much to you, but to this day I am fiercely proud of my mother. Every time I complain that it’s too hard, everything is so fucking hard, I think of her. Waking up at 4 am to take a cold shower, then driving an hour to get to a dinky school in a dinky town to get her dinky degree so her dinky family could one day get off of welfare.
She held down two jobs during all of this, would often be standing at the stove with a text book and a wooden spoon, stirring supper for us.
Goddamn that woman was determined, and once in a while I feel it, too.
At this rate I will be 60 when I graduate (seeing as though I am not in college or even close to being in college) but dammit I will do it. If I can keep the edges of my world together for longer than 6 months at a time I will (hopefully) be in school next year.
The only thing I’d want my doctorate in is Theology. Being an (for lack of a better term) atheist, I hope I can do it without needing to convince I believe it. At the very least, I am morally okay with lying my ass of to get the degree. I just don’t want to be barred from my dream simply because I don’t.
So…the plan is, 4 year Bachelor of Arts in Christian Studies degree from Austin Grad School of Theology, then off to wherever I land to begin the PhD.
How I am going to pay for it, or have the time to do any of this…who knows. I am not even sure where I will be living or working in three months, or a month, or tomorrow. Fuck.
So, any of you that have stability out there, own your own home, been at the same job for 10 years or whatever, steady pace, steady routine. I hope you appreciate what you have.
The alternative really fucks up planning.