April 2009- March 2008

7:06 PM

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

(wotd) ihr habt gedurft


Main Entry:

su·per·flu·ous Listen to the pronunciation of superfluous






Middle English, from Latin superfluus, literally, running over, from superfluere to overflow, from super- + fluere to flow

– more at fluid


15th century

1 a: exceeding what is sufficient or necessary : extra b: not needed : unnecessary2obsolete : marked by wastefulness : extravagant- su·per·flu·ous·ly adverb

And I am panicking.

I shouldn’t feel so much for you.  Even if you were like this about me, you’d handle it so much better.  I don’t want to suffocate you.

8:22 PM

Monday, April 20, 2009

he’s been gone for such a long time(flood)(done)

Ben, I love you.

I love your face and your freckles (and they are freckles) and your hair and your body and your eyes and your hands and your smell and your clothes and your brains and your humor and your sick little mind and your beautiful heart and that


that lust that focus that passion that gorgeous creative mind of yours and that sweet open smile and *sweet jesus* your mouth and your attitude and your criticism

(darling I want 5 million you’s just stacked up somewhere)

and your anger and your insecurities and I want to watch you and listen to you and feel you and hold you and just let

(just let me shut up long enough)

to enjoy every inch of

(every satisfying inch)

of you and every second of time you share with me and every bit of you that you give me and every time you touch me and look at me

(oh baby, there is never a time when I am not thoroughly aware of you looking at me)

and just leave your mark all over me and make every one know that I am your girl

(I’m yours)

and sweetheart, you will know that you were always mine.  This life and this music and thisfeeling and this skin and this world was made for you.  He skipped across the stage and ran just to sing to you.  I wonder if you know that.

It won’t hurt much.  Just let me crawl inside of you, let me live inside of you

(want me inside)

Forgive my stare.  Forgive my anger.

Forgive me for my shyness and my cowardice and my awkwardness.  Please know that when I laugh I laugh at my own weakness and my own stupidity.  Please know the rage I feel and the way I cut you is out of my own shortcomings.  Please know why I’ll hurt forever and please don’t ask me to explain it makes me sick to think sometimes and it never helps to remember.

I love you.  That doesn’t just mean that I love you.  That means that you are a part of me, you might even be me.  When you come inside I don’t know where I am anymore.  It’s more than feeling the cliche like I am home.  I noticed it when you came.  I never knew I was dying until you put your mouth on mine and (baby, I can’t breathe) and your hands on me and your body in mine and to feel your weight and your…

it’s more.

It is where I will go if you let me.  This is how deep the roots I plant in you are.  This is how devastating it will be if it fails.

Love is a stupid word.  What I feel isn’t just love.  It is straight-up smack down gotta feel the blood swell you up must have you no matter what wars will be waged and kingdoms will be laid flat this is what the bible was written about damn you and damn him too and as happy as you make me is how sad and hurt and angry and proud when you fuck me and calm when you are calm and nervous when you are nervous and small when you are so big and no matter what don’t be scared of me or this or what I say or what you do just let me see you dance and let me hear you sing and just let me.

Just let me.

You feel this and I know you feel this so just let me hold your hands and lay your head on me and let me live here always.

Baby, but your eyes….  No one looks at me like you do.  No one grabs me and takes me like you do.  No one else on this earth will ever know what I know.  You had me before.  I had you before.  You feel the same.

You worry I won’t want you if I have you, and then I worry I don’t understand you.  We look at each other and we lay our hands on one another and we know that this is real and the other shit is a lie.  We have done this.  We know this.  I know it and you know it and I am just waiting for you to (catch up) claim it.

If you worry and you hesitate because you are not sure this is it and that I am here no matter what happens, then that is my fault.  I have threatened you too many times and I never once bothered to sheathe my claws around you.  I wanted you to hurt because I was hurt.  Once in some stupid past I shut down and closed up too much and never really learned that being hurt is a part of being alive.

I didn’t know I had really hurt you.  I thought you were immune to me.

This is…this is too much.

You can stay away.  I understand, and I’ll let you go every day of my life and I’ll let you in whenever you want to come back.

7:32 PM

Saturday, April 18, 2009

music to fuck to

if you die you said “so do i” you said…

but it ends the day you see how it is

there is no always forever… just this…

just this…

I have enough Cure music to listen to nothing else for a day and a half.  I have 254 Morrissey songs, and 116 songs by The Smiths.

(because I heart lists)

249 songs by Tori Amos.

506 by Tom Waits.

A mere 90 by Radiohead.

Sadly just 85 by Tricky.

A modest 268 by Nick Cave and his bad ole seeds, plus everything he did with everyone else.

Only 153 Modest Mouse songs, and a piddly 50 count by Belle & Sebastian.

This, my imaginary boys and glittering women is what is wrong with me.  I can not possibly overcome anything with the music I love and covet and worship and would fall on my knees and adore and have had such good times with over the past 15 years of my life.

(your face is as mean as your life has been)

I can even break this shit down by age, by man (or lack thereof), by city, by friends, by mood, by amount of clothing worn while listening to, and by beat.

I know what I listened to when I was getting pregnant, while I was pregnant, and while I was giving birth and what his soundtrack would be.

(were you and he lovers and would you say so if you were)

For christssake I think I have made love to these people more than their significant others have. (esp. Tricky)(because his voice fucking turns me on)(and because it’d be awkward to do it to Ben’s voice)(unless he was the one I was doing it to and he just happened to say something)(haha)

Uh where was I?

*ears are red again*

I can’t stop laughing at that.  Oh my gosh how stupidly hilarious would it be to play his music next time I get a fly in my web?  “oh let me just…” “…you’ll like this trust me” “just some local band”


Fuck yeah.

Jesus I so had a better end to this tale than the one I am headed to..what was it?


I don’t think I have ever fucked anyone while playing Tori…maybe “Suede” and maybe once..she’s my “inside my brain” lady.  I would feel weird getting it on with the only woman I ever loved playing in the background.  She makes me want to play in the mud and curl my hair.

(you fracture me your hands on me a touch so plain so stale it kills you strangle me entangle)

Belle and Sebastian would play my soundtrack.  Happy beat and nasty lyrics.  All the talk of sin and holding hands just mmmm.  Yeah.  But I don’t think they’ve played then, either.

Actually no one I have listed really has, except for Tricky..and we all know why already so I don’t need to do that again.

Is it sad that I remember the music and not the men?  I know the number, but that’s it.  Hell I might even be off on the number.

Still clean, though.  Got the luck of the devil with everything but pregnancy. (frankly I’d just as soon get a wart or 6 than get pregnant again)(knock on wood, sweet jesus I didn’t mean it)(pregnant is easier to get rid of)(may I burn in hell for all eternity for saying that)(shit i’m still catholic)(dammit)

Sometimes my own reactions worry me.

Apparently you should never answer that question honestly, and I always do.  I never think my past (and sometimes present) is important until I see how people react to it.  I don’t think you are less of a man if you have only been with 3 girls; to the contrary I find you much more attractive.  (shit…maybe that’s why no one loves me..old whore am I)  On that same note I don’t think less of you for getting around, either.  Just be honest and christ get tested and we can play.

I don’t even know why I am thinking about this.  I haven’t had sex in forever (for me, long time for me) and I probably won’t for some time…

I guess I’m waiting. (like i like you to scream)

Stuck on repeat.

(do it again do it again do it again do me again)

You say you can’t keep your hands off me, but you’ve done a bang up job these last 8 months (jesus…8 months).

Maybe I’m wrong, but isn’t that the point?  Why see me if you could resist? But you don’t, so it means you can.  Maybe it’s like what drunks do…get rid of all the alcohol and mouthwash and cough syrup cause they can’t leave it alone if it’s there..but I don’t want to be that to you.

(and I’m begging to drag you down with me, to kick the last nail in)

I would and I will and I want you and… I just miss you.  I miss your stupid knowing eyes and I miss smiling at you from above and I miss the way you pounce outta nowhere and…god the way you sweat and I can get this so much darker.  I could say I saved it and I can say she’s yours (but, dammit really??) and you are mine and yes it makes me sick and yes I do it again and again and maybe you just want my body but I won’t stop till I get everything so get used to seeing my shadow.

(you don’t agree but you don’t refuse)

You want me to move on.  I know.  You will make me let you go whether I like it or not…I just want to hold on to this and I want to hold on to you and….we match up so nicely (maybe I forgot)…and I’m just begging.  I should buy a dog to kick, we can kick it together.

One point just does not mesh..why do you want me to stay?

(if it’s the last thing I ever do)

Why can’t I just give you what you want (leave you alone leave you to disappear completely) and be somewhere far far away?  Why do you bother and why do you tease and how do you

(breathe in breathe in breathe in)

Why won’t this die and how much did I make up on my own?  I guess it was for you and I guess I wish I had gone instead of knowing that.

(time is gonna wipe us out)

(who will swallow who)

(so I ask even though I know)

Just once more and I swear I will stop.

4:01 PM

Thursday, April 16, 2009

pale face said to the eyeball kid

Yeah I use that one a lot.

That and “so you can make me cum that doesn’t make you Jesus”

It’s how I get down.

It means something, no matter how immaterial.  I hear from you and I forget about every thing else.  I wait and wait and wait for your reply and without fail

(let down)

and then I think maybe maybe maybe (and then I remember no no no never will)

and then it’s fuck him I hope he dies

and then it’s (not love)

maybe (somewhere)

then (not in this lifetime)

just (he don’t give a shit about ya)

if it ain’t love it’s a fucking brilliant mockery.

You could make me fall flat on my ass with a stare and soar to infinite heights with a smile and crash and tumble and be so small with the truth.

Still liked to hear it.  Still liked to know what you really thought.  Still liked to see you with nothing on your face but


Still would absolutely love to see you hurt.  Baby if you are ever in pain and if you are ever just on the edge of total annihilation, call me.  I want to see you.  You can be Joan and I’ll be the



If I had a dick it would salute you, mein leibe.  Take off your fucking clothes and slip into something new for a change.  Not me.  That dog can hunt, but sweetheart she ain’t your type.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

such a happy day (no, really)

They fixed my car!!!  My poor abused Honda now makes no sound when her motor is running (unlike myself who gets pretty damn loud when my motor is running, my bad roomies)

New brakes, new exhaust, spanked up tuned-up.

All I need now is some (a lot) body work and get my AC working and I might actually like it again.  So in love with her right now.  Goooood car!  (told you to hang in there till payday and I’d take care of everything, and I love you for listening)

I spent money on something grown up and it was GREAT!

Oh my gosh.  That is such a relief.  That should quiet my wandering foot for a bit.  Now that I know I can get up and go the idea isn’t so appealing.  I am happy to be home, happy to be working, happy to be his momma and happy that my bills are paid and my dreams are getting better again. (still about banks and you but gradually sucking less)

I don’t know if I will ever get away from myself, but this must be what it’s like to just be content.  I could feed a fucking deer out of my hand right now.  For real.

I returned your birthday present.  I guess I forgive you I guess that I miss you, I’m glad that you stood in the way…

6:23 PM

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

eerie is

being the exact something to someone else that someone else was to you.

I am sorry, Joe.

6:14 PM

Sunday, April 12, 2009

potd *maybe later we’ll do another wotd*

bled the pipes

One of the most beautiful string of words I have heard (read, actually) in a while.

Takes my mind somewhere warm and dark.  And possibly sticky.  I’m so very Freudian.  Let’s go drive through a tunnel.

8:21 PM

Saturday, April 11, 2009

what I’d like to be doing compared to what I am actually able to do

varies greatly.

For instance–

I would much rather have spent last night and the better part of today doing rails off the chest of a gorgeous man.  Or doing anything off the chest of a gorgeous man.  Or just laying back and admiring the chest of a gorgeous man (god James had a great one but he was so stupid when he opened his mouth)

What I did instead was work overtime.  Again.

What I’d rather be doing tonight is getting blood and other various body fluids on my freshly laundered sheets.

What I will be doing is helping a co-worker (female, blah) file her taxes.

I dream about you and work and both leave me completely unsatisfied and depressed.  Not to mention soooo frustrated.  I want to claw my brains out every morning so they will just shut up and let me rest.


Let’s try this.

You get out of my head and I will try harder not to let work take up every free minute/spare energy I have.

Till then I guess I can revel in the torture of it all.  I do like that, you know..

And I can remember that you think I am a dumb bitch (so petty, I am disappointed that that was the best you could do).  Come on, sweetheart.  We both decided years ago we were a couple of assholes.  Tell me something new.  Tell me something that matters.  Tell me what you really think.

Insulting me is as easy as making an anorexic chic diet..so don’t give yourself too many props for that.  Just be happy that you won this one and leave it at that, kthanks.

(also– if I am the dumb bitch then what is SHE?? just curious on this sticky little point, baby- I expect no response)

I have been both dumb and bitchy on many occasions so I can not actually be upset over that.  What I can do is wait patiently for the day when your little stupid world falls apart and you get left with your dick in your hands wondering what the fuck was all that about, anyway?

Maybe I am bitter, but I don’t see why someone like you should have everything he wants when perfectly good people get left out in the cold.  Not referring to myself, here.  I make my own little grave and lie quite happily in it.

Baby, I hope there is a god.  And I hope he’s catholic.

Lie there, lie there, little Henry Lee

Till the flesh drops from your bones

For the girl you have in that merry green land

Can wait forever for you to come home

4:42 PM

Friday, April 10, 2009

and another thing

You can’t ALL be gone at once..

Jesus I need something to play with and (nepenthe)


Did you miss the memo?

Kim needs one plaything to be available at all times or she will explode, and what fun is that?

7:42 PM

Friday, April 10, 2009


To the jackass down the road-

I just wanted the beer.  Don’t hit on me when I am with my son.  I will never, ever EVER go out with you or have sex with you or hang out with you or patronize your place again.  What the fuck were you thinking, boyo??  Is there a sign on me that says “hit on me I need it”?

Did I indicate at all that I want you or that I am interested in you??

You make me want to throw up.

Thank you.

(and to the rest of you dicks—I have headphones on for a reason.  I just want to appear to be unable to hear you, but I hear every fucking thing you hoot and holler and I remember faces for a looooong time.  Don’t fucking start with me.   It was not a good day.)

Get over yourself.  I know what I look like and I know it don’t mean shit so leave me alone tyvm.

6:28 PM

Thursday, April 09, 2009

and they went merrily along tra la la

I was joking.  It was a mood.  Look the other way.

Somehow I got the idea in my head that I love you (it happens and it’s always wrong) and somehow I gotta get it back out again.  Other men ain’t helping this time.  *because it’s me*

my hands

and my feet

and my thoughts

and my dreams

It was never you, was it?  I’m sorry you had to be put in front of this train.  I’m sorry I left you there and I’m sorry I kept calling you back again.  Sorry for not listening and for never believing and for punishing you for the imaginary…

And maybe I never waited and maybe there were others and maybe I got scared and maybe you just wanted to see how far I would go and maybe I never went far enough.

*choking on was just need a little because*

Oh well.  At least it didn’t go to hate, this time.  I just feel  a little sad, is all.  You are wicked smart and I respect you, I guess.

Okay byeeeeeeeeeee.

6:56 PM

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

because i am hilarious most of the time

Whatever. cancer gave you an out. I got nothing.

—————– Original Message —————–

From: heartless.

To: Lachevious

Date: Apr 8, 2009 8:35 PM

Subject: RE:

Me too. :/

—————– Original Message —————–

From: Lachevious

To: heartless.

Date: Apr 8, 2009 8:30 PM

Subject: RE:

Really boring and overpaid and not challenging or anything and I hate the case I’m on.

Breathing is stupid. I just want to sleep and never ever wake up.

—————– Original Message —————–

From: heartless.

To: Lachevious

Date: Apr 8, 2009 8:21 PM

Subject: RE:


How’s work?

—————– Original Message —————–

From: Lachevious

To: heartless.

Date: Apr 8, 2009 8:20 PM

Subject: RE:


you are sick tell me you are sick so I don’t let my imagination think

the worst. Fuck you. Again. And again and again and again

Yeah. He comments on my legs. Yay.

—————– Original Message —————–

From: heartless.

To: Lachevious

Date: Apr 8, 2009 8:13 PM

Subject: RE:

I’m not ignoring you. I’ve been sick. Plus Ben paid some attention to you and you forgot about the rest of the world….

—————– Original Message —————–

From: Lachevious

To: heartless.

Date: Apr 8, 2009 8:04 PM

Subject: RE:

Fuck you. Go back to ignoring me.

—————– Original Message —————–

From: heartless.

To: Lachevious

Date: Apr 8, 2009 8:01 PM


cheer up.

8:41 PM

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

She’s made of cream

I have sabotaged myself in a healthy way and this suuuuuucks

Seriously going through withdrawals.  I don’t have your number.  Call me.  Text me.  Marry me.  Impregnate me.  Sing me to sleep.


I don’t want anybody else.


I want to make you as miserable as I am.

Just tell me what this is.  Tell me what it is if it isn’t you “just want to fuck me”  because baby we ain’t friends and we ain’t anything and what else is there, really.  What am I missing here?

Why do you still talk to me and why do you still say you want to see me and why even bother making me feel like shit when you never are around to make it better?  Why can’t you just leave me alone and make me leave you alone and let’s both just grow up and move on and you be with her and I’ll be with..

I’ll wait.  Fuck everybody else.


No.  Just stop and I’ll stop.  This is so pathetic.  I hate myself and I hate you and I don’t even know how I would react if I saw you again abut I know it won’t be good and I know you won’t be happy and I know…I can’t even talk to you.  What the fuck is that?  Literally, can not speak.  I have no words and no explanation and no jokes and no anything so leave me alone.

So just..

So just go away and don’t talk to me and don’t think about me.  I swear I will try harder not to talk to you.

Everything will get better and I’ll be better I guess and you’ll still be whatever the fuck you are.

7:08 PM

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

because virgos nitpick and make lists

And as soon as he is finished I am so posting it.

Jesus gonna be here.

6:38 PM

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

all time super favorite!


9:43 PM

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

so according to an article I read while I was working

Texting is ruining this country.  I agree.

I am not going to delve into it (but when you go 6 months without talking on the phone and then get a call outta nowhere and can’t even talk cause you don’t know where to start(totally delved just then)(fuck off; it’s allowed)

there’s a problem.

Sadly, he is not even the worst one.  At least I know what he sounds like.  So in light of my world-famous reputation (start a rumor because that is bullshit) of being pro-active, I have decided to delete all the phone numbers of serial texters.

Obviously I am the worst, but dammit I am willing to EVOLVE!

6:17 PM

Monday, April 06, 2009

like the adverb used before the other adverb

I have been watching a lot of this.  So super radical ready for the new season to start!

6:55 PM

Saturday, April 04, 2009

and when I have something non-emo to report

I can’t even write.  Told you.  Only creative and productive when miserable.  Gosh where have I heard that one before…

Oh yeah.

This is just the way of the world Joe said

I had to put a bullet into his head

That’s funny to me because I have a Joe and he loves me I think..or he says..and acts…

And not in some crazy obsessive way, either.

(not like my scary icky-pants love)

I should be with him.  He is nice to me and cares about me and thinks I am wonderful and yeah.

And he tells me that he understands why I hesitate and he waits..and watches me verbally castrate other men and he sits

and he smiles

and he waits

He is very quiet about the whole thing.  Kind of quiet that makes me wonder how sincere I am in my declarations.  Known him since the last bar I worked at.  Never slept with him..had a boyfriend and blah blah blah

And he never really tried to make a move..and I was really happy about that.  He has this idea of who I am in his mind and I don’t want to ruin it by dating him but I guess I should.  Date him, not ruin it.  If that is even possible, I mean.  He wants what I want and gives me what he has and is ten-million times too good for me.

I don’t want to be with him and still be dreaming about the what-ifs with someone else like I did to everyone else.  Three in a bed is crowded.

I’m a coward.

6:10 PM

Thursday, April 02, 2009

can’t do one great thing without doing 1900 million stupid things

Day One

Just want to let you know there is nothing more satisfying than washing down detox pills with beer.  I hope they don’t make me gassy or smell like..weirdness.

I think I figured out a neat trick.  I am only really productive when I am miserable.  I am at my most miserable when I am at my skinniest (stay with me, now – here’s the trick) so I figure I lose 30 pounds and BE AMAZING!!!OMGOMG  (okay I can’t actually lose thirty and still walk..so let’s say..15..)

Or just bruise easy and bleed constantly.

I am so okay with that part.  I am also okay with getting some (forgot what I was going to write, so we can leave it as “getting some”)

Which really (referring now to the parentheses) I don’t want to.  I mean I’m not feeling super sexy and irresistible.  What I do feel is bored and hungry and tired and completely resistible.  I don’t care what those guys say; I don’t have a tight little body and I really really have had a kid.  I am old enough to know the difference between a guy just wanting to get laid and a guy that really finds you attractive..

This is sounding annoying already.  To prove my masochism I will leave it.  Won’t even erase the bullshit I spewed out to save face or whatever.

So the “getting skinny to be crazy and productive” plan is NOT a means to attract men.  When I am like this I am way too busy working to do anything else.  There is satisfaction in having control..and food is one thing I don’t like enough to worry about.  I’d rather drink than eat, and I’d rather smoke than drink, and I’d rather sleep than deal with anything at all…

Aaaah…sleeping…blissful happy totally unaware of anything unconscious beauty.  No thoughts of crap I hate to think about and stress over and no plans and no problems and no awful realization that I suck so fucking much.

I guess ideally I’d find a way to have a healthy relationship with myself and the world around me..instead of only feeling normal when I am mad at him and slightly drunk…

I’m gonna miss you tonight..and really that was a shitty trick you pulled.

(I’ll idealize, then realize that it’s no sacrifice, because the price is paid and there’s nothing left to grieve… fuckin go)

I love how angry you make me.  It’s not even you, I guess..it’s just my natural reaction to you.  I love my pretend Ben (because I so remember him in a better shade than he exists).  I love our fights and that you only really perk up when I am a bitch to you.  Maybe that is what you meant by saying we are too much alike.

But damn you piss me off so easily.  I can fly into a murderous rage at nothing and then all you have to do is..

Well..you know what you do I guess.  Or maybe you don’t and maybe one day I can say all this to YOU and not HERE and then maybe one night you’ll call me and I’ll be able to do more than blush and giggle.  I can’t believe you were going to sing to me last night and you didn’t even try to call me and (and you can use my skin to bury secrets in) I was awake.  I was thinking about you..you should have.  It ain’t ever going to happen, is it baby?  That sucks too.  It won’t. It cant. I’m dumb..moving on…

Shit.  Really was not turning this into another wahwahwah blog.  So much for that idea.

(been listening to her again..you know I do this and you know it never lasts)

I don’t even care that my room is a mess and my bed is all bloody.  I also don’t care that I wasted 4 days on a project just to re-do the entire thing and then re-do it again cause I was right the first fucking time.  I ALSO don’t care that I am broke and totally fucked for next week and have no way of doing anything at all until I get paid and jesus I only have three left.

This ain’t good.

I love my therapy blogs.  (See Joshy this is WAY cheaper than paying someone to make me cry)

And gosh I love him.  It’s disgusting to me but I do.







My munchen is turning 5 on Sunday.  I am really worried about this.  I remember shit when I was 5.  I don’t want him remembering things yet.

He is going to hate me when he grows up and that



All he is going to remember about his mom is her drinking and being crazy and fucking everything up…ugh.  Maybe he wont have a Myspace.


(needs to snap out of this)

This is like some really long continuous bad story that never ends but steadily gets more and more repetative and boring till someones’ brains end up on someones wall.

If I had any balls at all I’d do it.  Seeing as though I don’t (just like my daddy thankyouverymuch brain for reminding me of THAT little gem)  I will do it nice and slow (just like he did) and make everyone as unhappy as I am and make you all disappear till I am really alone and it doesn’t fucking matter FOR REAL anymore.

It would be wonderful to not care.  I don’t want to care.  He liked me more when I didn’t, even said so.  I used to..wasn’t even so long ago that I have forgotton what it was like…completely.

I guess maybe..

I guess maybe I don’t.  I don’t act like I do.  I am not waiting (thankYOU for pointing that one out) and I never have given anything up that I didn’t want to…

You certainly aren’t fooling anyone, honey.  You don’t have to explain me to anyone or reason out what I meant whan I said whatever I said and why I do what I do and maybe she meant..

You don’t have to think of me at all and it is just there for you to pick up whenever your fancy gets tickled.

And I will always be there and you will always have this.

And Leonard Cohen. (remember when you sang “so long marianne” and you got tripped up on the “is fastening my ankle to a stone.” part and I loved you anyway?

So forgive me for this:


I can’t help you out

While she’s still around

So for the time being

I’m being patient

And amidst the bitterness

If you’ll just consider this

Even if it don’t make sense

All the time, give it time

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Your car, your house, your shoes

All reflect your true self..or so they say.

Who ever they are, if it’s true then I am in trouble.  My car is falling apart; dying a slow screeching clanging death.  My house is a mess (cleaning it right now, but generally a mess) and the only thing on me that works out is the shoes.  That is, if I can remember to put them on.

So basically everything I have sucks.  Everything except for the shoes I can’t seem to find.


I realize that my sentence structure sucks major ass, and I don’t care.

Also I hate having dirty sheets and no good story to go with it.  I have no explanation for the peanut butter.

Also I like doing this.

Also beer is good for me.

And another thing

I’m super glad you aren’t coming.





Couldn’t be happier totally wasn’t expecting you and really isn’t surprised at all and has made several contractions of words for no good reason other than laziness.

Oh.  While I was walking downtown, I realized that there is very little of my life where I am unaware of people around me.  I am constantly super aware of myself in relation to the universe at large, which made tripping on that sidewalk and blushing at your voice that much more painful and embarrassing.

And umm..dear diary..why do I write in here like I can get away with it?

So you can find her walking downtown Austin, three times a day.  Blond thing that trips on sidewalks and smiles at her private thoughts and stares at nothing in particular and startles and blushes when she sees black-haired men with sideburns walking by and really doesn’t notice when the lights turn red and when horns honk and really is convinced she can light her cigarette while txt’ing and trying to keep her skirt from flying up and really was thinking about you the whole time and gosh why can’t there be just a park or something to sit and eat lunch and yeah…

I wanted the time to last forever and it’s gone.  I don’t even think I had it.  I blame the hormones.

I caught up with myself again.  Gotta go.

7:03 PM

6:40 PM

Monday, March 02, 2009

Notes from a bath.

And I know it means nothing, really. I know it dissolves when the lights of reason hit it, but darling, I know you.

I conjure you up in my thoughts…your face, your words, your voice..the texture of your skin and the way your hair smells and..I remember everything. You were delicious to a girl who couldn’t choose between the shower or the bath.

I need you. I don’t need you.

These thoughts keep the others away, but not for long. As night fades, so do they


then it’s dark and you come.

It’s nice to say it, nice to watch your eyes and listen to you breathe as you repeat it..

and darling I know if you were better, if you were stronger you would never say that to me. Those words would mean something to you, and they’d mean something real to me.

Until that day (woe upon the man who shares that day) I shall be satisfied using that phrase as a stranger would use his hand to caress the cheek of his nightmare in the dark. I know, too, that you feel the same as I..and that although the world may think us sick and deprived you know, and I know..we know it is beautiful.

You shine in my thoughts like a cold light that will see no warmth from this life.

Stabs deep in the breast of the brave. We are the same.

Even now you cluck and shake your head at how rapidly and eagerly I take it upon myself to over-analyze…with what little encouragement from you I have had to sustain my imagination.

Wouldn’t it be gorgeous if you were for me? Can you see them now? Just tearing at their hair and their (golden wings) and like it says in the Bible:

By night on my bed I sought him whom my soul loveth: I sought

him, but I found him not. I will rise now, and go about the city in the streets, and in the

broad ways I will seek him whom my soul loveth: I sought him, but I

found him not.

For you are about as Catholic as I am…

I might just be a bit more…

3:35 PM

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

what i’d really put as my update if they allowed this much text.

fuck caps.

i am not in the mood to capitalize and worry about sentence structure. what i’d like to say is i am bordering on hysterics at nearly every turn. i spent 10 minutes laughing in the bathtub for no reason other than i thought it was funny that i was laughing in the bathtub.

the thought that someone might hear me laughing in the bathtub and thinking that i had completely lost my mind just made me laugh more. i believe that is when you know you have lost it entirely.

i can’t get away from myself. sometimes things go well for me, and then


i delight in the destruction. i am convinced that i care nothing at all of being happy and healthy and useful, and everything for being nothing but a




i love having my worst features thrown back at me. to have my nose rubbed in it. to be forced to look at every flaw and every personality disorder and every sick little picture. to have my eyes held open by another.

7:20 PM

Friday, January 30, 2009

Posties Relationship Advice

Lesson 437:

If you don’t flash the other person, he may feel bad without even knowing why.

Sunday, June 08, 2008

between you and arizona

Current mood:  anxious

and elvis and josh and school and worrying about potential unemployment and insurance and bills and my lousy credit *thanks bitch* and my car and money and elvis and elvis and elvis and doctors and my brain and my crazy shit and….


I worry too much.

7:06 PM

Monday, May 19, 2008

Does it mean that? Really??

Current mood:  worried

What happened to Ray? We used to talk 20 times a day, and now he is gone.

Where the fuck did Robert go (I am worried, he did have cancer and he might of died and I would totally not know)?

Sheesh. I stay out of the forums for a few years and everyone is so different and GONE.




And my Canadian hates me. *sigh*


Wake up, Kimmers. “You know who” is just a MAN, you’ve had lots of those. Go get yourself a nice new shiny one and GET OVER IT! You are annoying everyone, including ME, and you look pathetic. You are better than this.


You totally kick ass at your job, and you’re a great mom 😛 (no more musicians, kthanks)


By Pixies

Release date: 2003-05-20

Thursday, May 15, 2008

I have a stalker or these are the best days of my life

Current mood:  loved

Category: Life

Every day when I get home from work I have been taking Elvis to the playground or just for walks. It gives my mom and Olly a break, and it’s really the only time I get with him during the week..

I have been noticing (either by people pointing it out or just by witnessing it myself) how much he is becoming like me. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or what…

He is certainly more outgoing than I was as a child, says “hello I’m Elvis” to everyone…repeatedly… until they say “hi” back, but quite a few ignore him completely or give me a look like “this is why I will never have kids”. It really pisses me off when people ignore him, he’s just a kid (and he is fucking adorable) and he is just learning social skills, ya cocks. It wouldn’t kill you to humor him.

The other day we were sitting in the living room, having a snack, and my mother came in and saw us; and busted out laughing. We were eating cheese, had our legs crossed exactly the same way, and both totally engrossed in what we were doing. Same lost in space expression on both of us. I laughed so hard I cried.

He is picking up on my manipulative behavior as well. He can be a total shit all day, and just when I am ready to snap, he pats my arm and says “oh mommy, mommy cute” *melt*

The little fucker (yes, it’s a term of endearment!) knows EXACTLY what he is doing, so do I. Hell, I did the same thing to my mother. I don’t know if button pushing is genetic or learned behavior, but he is only 4 and has mastered the art. He will be a force to reckon with.

He laughs at everything like I do, wrinkles his nose when he smiles, gives affection when he wants something or when he knows he’s about to be in trouble. I know I shouldn’t fall for it, but I do. The kid is constantly barefoot, just like me…and has these anal qualities that reflect my own.

It is amazing what they pick up on.

When I took him to a party (one of the attorneys here, Diego; was throwing a bash for his wife who just got her Masters) everyone told me how adorable he is and how well behaved, but Diego couldn’t believe how much like me he is. Elvis would have a certain expression on his face, and Diego said “Hey, I have seen that look before!” I hear that from my mother all the time. She compares Elvis to me constantly, when I was his age.

I am proud of my son, and I hope that he makes better use of his charm and brains than I have. My biggest fear is that he will crawl back into himself, and miss out on all the things I have for fear of being hurt. I really don’t think that will happen, though. He is very active and friendly, I was never like that. I was born in la la land, and likely will maintain my permanent residence there as long as I live.

All I can do is try to keep the language g-rated (he never fails to pick out the bad words and repeat them) and be a good example for him. I have said before that one of the hardest things about being a single parent is no one tells you when you are fucking up. On the other hand, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I love that he thinks I hung the moon, and waits impatiently for me to get home from work everyday.

I love the kisses and the hugs and pats that are just for me, and I love watching him try to figure out the crazy mess of a world around him.

I do miss being able to go to the bathroom or take a shower in privacy, and for once I’d like to eat my dinner while it’s still hot; but it’s flattering all the same.

I know he won’t always be my little shadow, and when that day comes I’ll cry and cry and remember the good old days when he couldn’t stand being away from me 😛

8:08 AM

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

I don’t like not knowing who is reading this

Current mood:  hot

Oh, mein Gott! Ist das Blut?


I am irresistable, so quit trying! It’s raining and mmmmmmm..I love the air when it snaps. They’d have to pry me off of you with a crowbar 🙂

Trau keiner Frau, die alles auszieht – nur nicht ihren Hut! What, German doesn’t turn you on? Silly boy. Works for me..all rumbling in the back of the throat..

*totally almost ran into that pickup this morning, really needs to stop being such a…hmm..doesn’t know how to say “wanton nymphomaniac” in German (where’d my dictionary go??) barring that you should probably DO SOMETHING and enjoy it before she hits menopause and doesn’t give a shit anymore*

Haben Sie Lust mit zu mir zu kommen und alles das zu tun, was ich allen anderen morgen sowieso erzählen werde?

7:47 AM

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

This is a mouth that needs religion

Current mood:  determined

I love my job. I love the racist motherfuckers who respond to the press releases. Even that fucker in Indiana who called us a bunch of thugs; I had to bite my tounge to keep quiet on that one, too funny and too easy.

My favorites are the lefty wingnut bastards that quote scripture (which from the NT is basically the same thing as giving Paul a hummer) as a reason to persecute. Bring it 🙂

It is funny as hell in this day and age there are still so many people who bury their heads in the sand and refuse (I refuse to believe that everybody refuses to believe the truth!!!*/end Simpsons quote*) to acknowledge some simple facts.

Yes, facts.

Immigration is merely a scapegoat, guys. Fuck the press. Do some research and THEN come talk to me.

I did get pissed off that Rush Limbaugh called LA Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa a “shoe-shine boy”. MALDEF is pissed too, but some people think they are being hyper-sensitive. What does that say about this goddamn country? The greatest nation in the world? Guess again, assholes.

*really wishes she was anything but white and american*

8:22 AM

Sunday, May 11, 2008

In the future i will keep these thoughts to myself *not for you go away*

Indeed. This makes my 186th blog, and look at what I have to say.


Vanity is forcing me to become my favorite subject. I will be like the washed up actress, stretched skin and teeth that are too white. Eyes that are too hard, maybe even a cough that won’t go away. Jesus, haha. I freak myself out most of the time.

You will be the often remembered happiness..not really a great love, how could you be*? But great, nonetheless… until I really remember you, then it seems so fake. So forced. Just like me.

Mmmm..*daydreaming again* no. Nothing like me. I have told you too much.

You will never really know me, but if you did you would love me. I just can’t get over you enough to prove it. Isn’t it great how I know all this, but am totally helpless in doing anything at all to make it better? God (and you too), I love it when you fucking lie to me.

Although..I do find myself funnier than all hell, even if I am the only one laughing. Maybe it’s hysterics 😛 Maybe I am becoming a mere caricature of my former self, ah. The Glory of the 80’s. Early 90’s. Whatever. Both had shitty hairstyles and too much neon. Maybe I overemphasize the wrong words…or…hahaha the wrong people. Actually, I know for a fact I do.

You have to admit we have had fun, daaahlink. Just a little too much..went a little too far..regrets just a little too real..cold fingers. Blah.

Knowing you never read this (or maybe you do and just choose not to say anything) has…not finishing this thought. Let’s just say I am waiting for you to have an attack of conscience and disappear. Still hoping…you see that too? Yeah. I am ashamed of it, how far I can go it alone. Like the birds that think their reflection is real, and die trying to kill it. That is a good metaphor for my relationships.

The purr of your voice is distracting me, honey. Turn that shit off.

Reading other peoples secrets makes mine seem less…secret.


*I could be so very wrong about you, and I hope that I am. In the very hidden aspects of my head and heart you are so different. We are very different. Shhh but I imagine you do care, and you just like the idea…okay hush.

8:42 PM

Sunday, May 11, 2008

it really is a problem (or man, watch your fucking mouth!)

Is there such a thing as being blasé and obsessed at the same time? Or is that just a complete contradiction in terms?


Also…what happened to my self-control? I used to have it by the truck loads..and now I can’t seem to help myself. My mouth is getting worse, and my fucking brain is starting to believe my own shit. I love it. Nothing like knowing you are full of shit but trying to get other people to believe you.

I can just see myself rattling off in front of some judge (one day) about this or that and then BAM out pops some random crap that only myself and MAYBE one other person on this damn planet would laugh at, and I get disbarred. Or…rebarred. Or unbarred.

Rebar 😛 That place is overrated.

Always tease tease tease

You’re happy when I’m on my knees

One day is fine, next day is black

So if you want me off your back

Well come on and let me know

Should I stay or should I go?

You know you are thinking about it, and it’s right fucking there so just say it already.

*the world breathes in, and on release, one thundering “shut the fuck up, Kim”*

One more thing (unless you count that last thing (which I don’t))(also I like parentheses)(holy shining penis of god I spelled that right!) umm…yeah so crap. I forget. *thinks* (I seriously do most of my best writing in these, and I say(type) seriously a lot.. I guess I think people think I am joking)



ah Jesus man now I am going to remember what it was later and get back in here and it will mess up my entire interior dialouge. Haha I type how I talk..of course, most of you don’t know that. But some do, and now they are shuddering at the recollections of past conversations with me.

I used to say that I work better (as far as being understood) in person. I don’t think that is true. I think only one person (josh, looking at you here) really gets me, and he hates me (by hate I mean not overtly in love with me)(which, to me, is the same fucking thing) most of the time…so..

Yeah. So the rest of them, they either just play along or fucking stare. Mostly stare. Or they are too busy trying to not notice me noticing them that they fail to pay attention and miss my point entirely. Which, always is, *smooch* I DO love you!


No. Still nothing. I don’t really love you, but you know that already. If I did, god help me..I’d drown I think. There is a song about that, but I will let you figure it out. Besides, I think people are getting bored with my references to lyrics. (why not think for yourself instead of copying what other people have work so hard to create???) (see, I am my own worst critic, so kindly shove it)

(damn (name deleted to protect the not so innocent) but you are fucking good)

10:46 AM

Thursday, May 08, 2008

*none* of these things first

Not making another one for you. You would enjoy my make-believe landscapes; everyone has fun when they are slippin’.

Could have been someone else, somewhere else, anything else..but this..joke is too colossal, even for me. My meager intellect cannot even grasp the implications of your cause to downfall.


Pushing the thought away is harder than I thought. Impossible even… I have been told more than once to let it go. (she can’t won’t never never never)

Most of the time I have no idea what I am talking about. Don’t feel like you are alone here. That’s what happens when you come here, boyo. Smell the air, wake up to this..again and again and again. See how fucking cohesive YOU are.

Streets are yellow, lighting is off..making weird shadows here. It’s piss. It was on track, I asked for a second opinion. She knew him better, better, better…

You know I have to leave you, and one day I will.


Mmm, don’t you love my baby

Mmm, and don’t you love my baby anymore

You gonna ask what’s bothering me again? I didn’t think so.

1:06 AM

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Haha omg *dying* Josh this is you, man 😛

Full List of Stuff White People Like

March 4, 2008 by clander

.. src=”https://s-ssl.wordpress.com/wp-content/plugins/adverts/adsense.js?1” /javascript>..>

* 97 Scarves

* 96 New Balance Shoes

* 95 Rugby

* 94 Free Healthcare

* 93 Music Piracy

* 92 Book Deals

* 91 San Francisco

* 90 Dinner Parties

* 89 St. Patrick’s Day

* 88 Having Gay Friends

* 87 Outdoor Performance Clothes

* 86 Shorts

* 85 The Wire

* 84 T-Shirts

* 83 Bad Memories of High School

* 82 Hating Corporations

* 81 Graduate School

* 80 The Idea of Soccer

* 79 Modern Furniture

* 78 Multilingual Children

* 77 Musical Comedy

* 76 Bottles of Water

* 75 Threatening to Move to Canada

* 74 Oscar Parties

* 73 Gentrification

* 72 Study Abroad

* 71 Being the only white person around

* 70 Difficult Breakups

* 69 Mos Def

* 68 Michel Gondry

* 67 Standing Still at Concerts

* 66 Divorce

* 65 Co-Ed Sports

* 64 Recycling

* 63 Expensive Sandwiches

* 62 Knowing What’s Best for Poor People

* 61 Bicycles

* 60 Toyota Prius

* 59 Natural Medicine

* 58 Japan

* 57 Juno

* 56 Lawyers

* 55 Apologies

* 54 Kitchen Gadgets

* 53 Dogs

* 52 Sarah Silverman

* 51 Living by the Water

* 50 Irony

* 49 Vintage

* 48 Whole Foods and Grocery Co-ops

* 47 Arts Degrees

* 46 The Sunday New York Times

* 45 Asian Fusion Food

* 44 Public Radio

* 43 Plays

* 42 Sushi

* 41 Indie Music

* 40 Apple Products

* 39 Netflix

* 38 Arrested Development

* 37 Renovations

* 36 Breakfast Places

* 35 The Daily Show/Colbert Report

* 34 Architecture

* 33 Marijuana

* 32 Vegan/Vegetarianism

* 31 Snowboarding

* 30 Wrigley Field

* 29 80s Night

* 28 Not having a TV

* 27 Marathons

* 26 Manhattan (now Brooklyn too!)

* 25 David Sedaris

* 24 Wine

* 23 Microbreweries

* 22 Having Two Last Names

* 21 Writers Workshops

* 20 Being an expert on YOUR culture

* 19 Traveling

* 18 Awareness

* 17 Hating their Parents

* 16 Gifted Children

* 15 Yoga

* 14 Having Black Friends

* 13 Tea

* 12 Non-Profit Organizations

* 11 Asian Girls

* 10 Wes Anderson Movies

* 9 Making you feel bad about not going outside

* 8 Barack Obama

* 7 Diversity

* 6 Organic Food

* 5 Farmer’s Markets

* 4 Assists

* 3 Film Festivals

* 2 Religions their parents don’t belong to

* 1 Coffee


About me

I am great.
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