February 2006 – August 2005


Wednesday, February 01, 2006
control machete si senor(amores perros)
Yeah. GODDAMMIT. No cigarettes, took me over an hour to find my glasses this morning, AND I have a fucking test today.
God can this day suck any harder?? Don’t answer that, because I know the answer is yes.
He sends her flowers, blah blah. I love it. LOVE IT.
One shining spot, Craig wrote me a very sweet message. Totally made my night(pathetic, I know)
I have no clue what I’m gonna do for money. All I know is THIS SUCKS.
Really REALLY REALLY hard. Who knew a 11 year habit would be so hard to break?
1:47 AM
Saturday, January 28, 2006
You were once
Mine. Once I had you. Now she does. What does she have that you couldn’t find in me? I’d like to think that she has nothing more, because she’s had nothing more than I have.
4:11 PM
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
And the winner is………………..
Me.
4:09 PM
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
So that’s how it’s gonna be?
Everyone is pairing off. All the happy couples with their “love” and petty squabbles make me sick. I think you should all be euthanized. Barring that, you should all just shut up. My cat is in heat.
I have heard so many times that I don’t love as much as I should. I am not “in love” in a conventional sense. I know what it IS, or rather, what you think it should be..but as far as in practice, no dice.
I find the whole thing rather silly and archaic. Silly people with silly dreams and expectations. You think you just fall in love and everything will be fine? I see a relationship and I see and never-ending battle. A constant power-struggle to become the alpha.
Maybe it shouldn’t be like that, but it always has been with me. It’s what I know, and what I am comfortable with. I am relieved to be single again, to be free to imagine my future and not be sidled with the limitations another person brings.
I don’t want to get used to someone else, to put up with annoyances for the sake of not being alone. I don’t want to do anything at all. So many times I have fallen into a relationship. speeded it up with my impatience, and enjoyed the destruction. Now I can sit back and watch it happen with other people, and that seems a much safer pasttime.
12:52 PM
Friday, January 20, 2006
Pay no mind..been watching too much Star Trek
Current mood:  morose
What if Ray Charles and Janis Joplin had a baby together?What would he/she sound like?
What it there were no such thing as heaven and hell…would you be disappointed? What, then..would you turn to?
What would it mean if this was as good as life gets?
What if you can never be truly happy…
What if you have never been truly sad….
If this is the best, then what will the worst be like?
Everybody’s talking about a new way of walking, do you want to lose your mind?
What do you do after you’ve figured out what happens next?
6:12 PM
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
The original is ALWAYS better 🙂
*Breadfan
Open up your mind
Open up your purse
Open up your bones
Never, never gonna lose it
Breadfan
Take it all away
Never give an inch
Gotta make a mint
Gotta make me a million
Breadfan
You got it wrong
Some long time friend’s gonna lose it
In the end who’s a fool
Seagull
Give it all away
Stay a bird
Stay a man
Stay a ghost
Stay what you wanna be
Loser
Give it all away
Never stay with the winner
With the man
With all the filthy money
Come on
Keep it on the side
With a ride
On a record on the top
If you’re gonna be a bad boy
Breadfan
You got it wrong
Some long time friend’s gonna lose it
In the end who’s a fool
Seagull
Give it all away
Stay a bird
Stay a man
Stay a ghost
Stay what you wanna be
*Repeat
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Top 5
Movies
1. Gone With The Wind
2. Desk Space
3. Bringing Up Baby
4. Wings of Desire
5. The Godfather
Books
1. 1984 by George Orwell
2. A Commodity of Dreams by Howard Nemerov
3. Gone With The Wind by Margaret Mitchell
4. On A Pale Horse by Piers Anthony
5. The Universe by Isaac Asimov
Friends
1. Josh
2. Heather
3. Ray
4. Bluey
5. Oddly enough, Robert
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Boys don’t really like girls that call them mean names
HOWEVER, I don’t really like insecure people. *sigh*
Chalk it up to reason 637 I should NEVER be allowed to date…. Ha Ha HA
Also
I think you knew this from the start. What happened to my list?
I swear I just make it worse.
3:22 PM
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
go to sleep go to sleep
I DON’T want to go to class tonight, but I will, because I have to. I DON’T want to go to class tommorrow either, but I will, because I have to. I don’t want to work and go to school and put my son in daycare, but I will, because I have to. I don’t want to fucking go to this stupid TANF crap on Friday, but I will, because I have to.
I don’t want to fight with my boyfriend everyday but I will, because I don’t know how to talk. I hate being a grown up. I want to be 9 again.
4:21 PM
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
The Wonders of Kimberly
1. She gives you ONE CHANCE, and it ain’t even a fair one at that.
What a bloody stupid day, and I mean that literally. I should have kept my ass in bed, and just let Elvis free-range. I am tired, sore, stressed, and PISSED.
Nothing new really. I used to fight about this shit with Robert ages ago. Fucking girls. I hate them. All of them. Ok..there are maybe 6 total that I don’t wish dead, but the rest of ya’ll. I hate men too. All but….4 of you. Lets leave gender out of this. I hate people. I don’t get you people.
How do you just TRUST someone isn’t fucking you over right in front of your eyes?? I can’t. I tried, and I can’t. I don’t trust him. How the fuck can I now? I need a FUCKING DRINK and someone to not set me off so my damn nerves settle down.
People are such assholes. I am an asshole.
4:03 PM
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Something is terrible
Life
is
long
enough
to
get
bored
Life
is
long
enough
White
I
like
white
white
comes
close
to
nothing
nothing
comes
close
to
white
I feel
like
my life
is already
over
It was
OK
thank
you
I
love
you
Oops,
I entered
the wrong
world
Sorry to
disturb
you all
I don’t
Really
Care
Do I.
Emptyness
Is only…
Emptyness
8:17 PM
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
I’m not planning on marrying him–I’m not losing my mind and stalking him. He’s just my friend
Do you understand what I am talking about?
Cruel? Well maybe, but that is what these situations call for.
And most people do not have enough
under their belts to claim any speculation on what I do.
Love…
I suppose it might teach me my lesson.
In fact, it already did.
And now I want to spread the message it gave me.
Love is shit.
That’s love to me.
Call me tragic, call me jaded.
Call me a bitch.
I am all those things and have been called those things.
I am not sure of many things,
But one things for sure.
I don’t need>>>Love.
I don’t want to be hostile.
I don’t want to be dismal.
But I don’t want to rot in an apathetic existance either.
See
I want to believe you,
and I want to trust
and I want to have faith to put away the dagger.
But you lie, cheat, and steal.
And yet
I tolerate you.
Veil of virtue hung to hide your method
while I smile and laugh and dance
and sing your praise and glory.
Shroud of virtue hung to mask your stigma
as I smile and laugh and dance
and sing your glory
while you
lie, cheat, and steal.
How can I tolerate you.
Our guilt,our blame ,
I’ve been far too sympathetic.
Our blood, our fault.
I’ve been far too sympathetic.
I am not innocent.
You are not innocent.
No one is innocent.
I will no longer tolerate you
Even if I must go down beside you.
Because,
No one is innocent.
The Prophet by Gibran Khalil Gibran
When love beckons to you follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions
May wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
As the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you
so shall he crucify you.
Even as he is for your growth
So is he for your pruning.
They hate you again, for some reason.
Or for no reason at all,
Except that they are discontented children,
And can’t be satisfied whatever they get,
Let a woman do what she may.
D.H.Lawrence
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Whats that stupid song?
So I have been looking through my old blogs, something I don’t suggest any of you do, and come to this conclusion: I hate people.
Now, with that as a given for pretty much anyone not suffering from “Pollyanna Syndrome”, a term keyed by my lovely(and she really is) therapist, meaning a person who is insufferably optimistic and by default, VERY annoying..see how I ramble?
OKAY
Back to my point..if I had one…..*pause*
*reflects*
I don’t know why I bother writing..no one reads these things after the 900th blog…
Everyone keeps calling me insane..and when I say everyone, I mean everyone w/out a license to decide if I am or not. The ones licensed to make that call are invariably on my side, take THAT bitches.
Now, you might think that I say the worst and think the worst as part of some complicated crutch intended to keep you out and me in. That is a misconception. I am a lazy person, inside and out, and only come out of my comfortable world when I have to. That being said, I do have a never-ending supply of built-in booby traps designed especially for those select few that have the persistince to remain in my life.
Now..
Keeping everything you know for certain about me, and keeping in mind what you gather from what I write, I ask of you to hang on a bit longer.
I do hide, and I do sabatoge. I am a coward, and I admit it whole heartily, BUT, I am trying to be a better person. These traps are meant for me as well.
There are three people on this planet who’s opinions matter to me.
1. My mother, when she isn’t being overly mother-ey.
2. Heather, when I am not too ashamed to talk to her.
3. Josh, for being unfailingly honest and blunt..and not biased at all..even when HE SHOULD BE..jerk.
Now, some of you can say some things to/about me that cut pretty deep. attacking my parenting skills is a good way to hurt me, and get me to obsess over my son.
Another way is to make me feel unattractive, or unloved. Unwanted. That is pretty easy to do, seeing as though I am about as emotionally secure as a 14 year old with an eating disorder.
Another way is to tell me I am just lazy, and all these obstacles are just in my head.
So there you have it. Those are my weak spots. Write them down, store it up for the time when you feel it is necessary to cut me down. It will come, I assure you.
Now, with that out of the way, lets move on to my line of defense.
1. Any hurt I suffer, real or imagined, past or present (sometimes even future) will be met with all the fire and spite Hell holds.
I can (and most likely will) do everything in my power to even the score, and then some. The Bible talks of an eye for an eye, I believe in an eye for a torso 🙂
2. You didn’t surprise me.
I never expect you to be a good person. I expect you to be like me. Petty, flighty, insecure, and unstable.
3. I never forgive.
You can apologize till hell freezes over, but it won’t work. I hold these things inside of me, to be released at a later date. All those times I said I loved you, and all those times you convinced me you’d be around for the long haul all need to be revenged, and I got the time and the ability to get retribution for every
single
one.
4. I truly believe I am a bad person, that much should have been obvious from day one.
With that, anything you do to me I feel is deserved, if not from you than certainly from people I have hurt in the past (Heather I am looking in your direction here)
Also included in that is this disclaimer: You cannot hurt me as much or as well as I hurt myself.
Things you have cherished
Now making you squirm
Ya …
YOU’VE HAD HER
And it’s all over now
Why you were pining
You haven’t a clue
Ya …
YOU’VE HAD HER
And it’s all over now
It’s all over now – for you
It’s all only started – for her
Ah …
And the one thing on your mind
Is : where is the next in line ?
As the words to all the love songs
Start making sense
To the girl
So
Far
Away
1:49 PM
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Not much of a mystery.
You wanted to know the worst about me, the things I told no one and hid below the surface. How do I explain it? How do I explain who I am when I am not even sure of it myself? How do I put into words the worst parts of me that I have run from for so long? I will tell you my secrets, I will tell you everything. Maybe it will help me. Maybe you will hate me for it or maybe you will understand. I don’t know, but I am sick of running. So here it is, I will give you what you want.
I hate you. That is not true, but sometimes I think it is. I will not answer the phone when you call, even though I want to talk to you. I will not call you, even though it is all I want to do. I will not reach out to you, even though every part of me wants to. I will be mad at you, I will want to hurt you, I will drive you away because I am afraid to let you closer. I need your constant attention, your reassurances, but I will greet them with cold indifference. I will be jealous of the attention you give others, and I will get mad at you for ignoring me. I will feel close to you and care for you one day, only to be mad and want you out of my life the next.
I am an emotional amnesiac, maybe I always have been. I take each event, each day, each conversation as a separate event, always looking for signs that you might hurt me. When I feel neglected, I will get mad and forget that the day before you told me how much you cared. I am an inconsistent mess. There is a part of me who is happy and confident and another part that is insecure and needy. These days, I never know which one it will be. Every time I think I am in control, that I know you care and I feel comfortable with our relationship, the fear and doubt will come back. Maybe with time it will go away completely, but doubt it. All it will take is another close relationship, another new friend, another day and it will be back.
You ask what you can do and I do not know what to say. The needy part of me wants your constant attention, it needs your words and thoughts, your presence. But I know that is not the answer, I must accept the limitations on our relationship. The scared part of me wants you out of my life because it would be easier. The hateful part of me wants to hurt you because it thinks you have hurt me. All I can ask you to do is to understand, to not give up. I will ignore you at times, I may be rude to you, I may try to hurt you. I may hide from you and wait for you to reach out to me, so I know you will care. It is not fair to do these things, but I will. I cannot ask you to put up with this, it is not fair and no matter how I act, I care too much to put you through this. But you asked, and this is all I have to tell you.
I do not like this. I do not like that I am needy and clinging. I do not like that I hurt people. I do not like that I am rude and sarcastic to those around me. I do not like this part of myself. For years, I have ignored this and pretended it was me, but I have realized that is wrong. This is not me, it is a false identity created to protect me from the world. This was not an easy realization, and perhaps I haven’t fully accepted it yet. But I have found my path, I have realized I can change and I can accept this side of me and keep it from becoming who I am. It will not be easy and it will not be quick, but I have faith that I can do it. Perhaps one day I will see me as the person you see behind my defenses, and perhaps one day I will let others see that person as well.
This is for you, but you are many people. You are the people close to me now. You are the people I want to be close to even though I have kept you away. You are the friends I have pushed away in the past, the friends I never forgave and never let back in my life, the friends I never had the chance to tell this to. You are the people I will meet in the future, the people I will care about until once again I push them out of my life. You are the part of me that is still trying to understand who I am. You are all of these people and many more.
1:30 PM
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
You lied when you said you cared
Current mood:  recumbent
1. I will hurt you.
2. You won’t know its coming.
3. I look out for me, and my son, and my family, and don’t give a shit about your needs.
4. I can name one man I’d be willing to try for.
5. Leave me alone, I don’t need saving.
6. I am not your fantasy.
7. I can leave anyone.
8. I don’t believe in love, except the love a mother has for her son.
9. I fucked your boyfriend.
10. Rings don’t plug holes.
11. My hell comes from inside, comes from inside myself
Why fight this
Everyone’s afraid of their own lives
If you could be anything you want
I bet you’d be disappointed, am I right?
1:12 PM
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
What I want from a man(subject to change at any time)
1. Security: You must be employed at a job that pays more than the minimum wage.
2. Stability: I loathe flighty people that cannot commit to a woman/job/city for longer than three months.
3. Honesty: Brutal truth, people. I am no mind-reader, and I need to know if I say/do something that upsets you.
4. Trust: This one would be a requirement. I abhor flirts, men with more female friends than male friends, and men that don’t do what they say they will.
5. Strength: To stand up for yourself, your beliefs, me and my son, your family, your God(s), and our relationship.
6. Faith: Doesn’t matter in what or whom, as long as you don’t think you are the center of the universe.
7. Chivarly: Opening doors, paying for dates…and things like that.
9. Politeness: Anyone who is rude to waitresses, their parents, their kids, MY KID, or myself will certainly go no farther than an ice cold beverage poured down his pants.
10. Hygiene: Brush, bathe, wear clean clothes. Clean your fingernails, boys, and keep them short.
11. Passion: Be it in your work or hobby, or in l’amore, its all gravy, and a must.
12: Patience: This is CRITICAL!!!!
13: Independence: I can understand living with your parents if you are saving up for your own place, but not just because it’s free room and board.
14: Transportation: I am without wheels at the moment. So someone should have a car 🙂
15. Romance: Not on Valentines Day, but little things here and there that let me know you are thinking of me. I will try my best to do the same for you.
16. A Life: I go to school during the week, my only free time is on the weekends. I don’t want your life revolving around mine.
17. Communication: You need to be straightforward and blunt. Seriously. I can’t stress this enough!
18. Similar(but not exactly) the same taste in movies, music, and literature: These are very important to me, and they should be something that matters to you as well.
19. NO CLINGY MEN: Define- Don’t call or IM me 100 times a day. I have things to do, taking care of my son mainly, and I refuse to be tied to a phone/computer.
20. No insecure guys, please. Know you are a man, so you should behave as such. Don’t look to me to reassure you that I care for you ten times a day. I will do what I can to show that I appreciate you, but I am not in tune with the needs of other people.
Addendum-
I realize no one is perfect, and perfection is the last thing I am waiting on. Every relationship requires hard work to maintain. I am doing things in my life to be a better friend, mom, sister, and girlfriend. All I ask is you meet me halfway.
1:12 PM
Monday, November 28, 2005
Been wondering why I bother? So have I…
And I conclude that I wasn’t as “over you” as I said I was. Who could be? You toyed with me for 6 months (quit denying it, just admit it) and it’s hard/practically impossible to go from hearts and hopes to null and void. You say it was over on your birthday..a mere 4 days before mine and you already had several women to ease the transition.
Over the course of the past month, I have seen you go through what we went through over and over again..
Not only did that put things into perspective, but it showed me who you really are. Now, I won’t get vicious, because you like that, don’t you? I will just say that what goes around……………. 😉
To set the record straight, I am not jealous, there was a time while you were “mine” I was, but not now, and not since it’s been over.  If anything I am a bit stunned at the speed of which things crumbled..my friends still ask about you. I wonder what you say when asked about me. Ha.
Funny how things turned out. I was your world, so you said. Your sun and moon and stars. You couldn’t breathe, much less think of another woman while I was under your skin. So quickly that was put on another, and I became that…bitter…*hehehe* and very well-played role of the X. Looks good, baby.
I see you use the same lines to catch those fish, honey. I guess if it “works” don’t fix it..but here is some free advice, toss out the easy ones, reel in the hard ones. She is a smart woman, don’t fuck with her. I told you she was a lot like me  Maybe just a tad more honest..
To wrap this up, I reiterate everything I have declared thus forth and hither, and will continue talking to whomever I like whenever I like, it’s a free country I hear. No worries, sweetheart, the world went on before you, and it will go on even smoother without you. Cancer is a mother-fucker…and
so
are
you.
Yes that was intended to be a childish and very rude comment. It tickles me 🙂
4:24 PM
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
There is a light that never goes out
So who is more depressing?
The Smiths- pretty much every song is killer…
The Cure- YES but in a way that is less sad and more cold feeling…
Tori Amos- Only when she sings about babies and men
Radiohead- Only when he sings about himself
That is all.
**Okay..been listening to The Cure all morning. Feeling very exposed and vulnerable. This would be a good time for you to try and take advantage of the situation.
10:20 AM
Saturday, November 19, 2005
My weird dream
The Players
Me, duh.
Robert (goddammit I hate that I still think about him)
My sister Christina
Heather
My niece Morgan had a minor role.
What Happened
So Robert comes over, for the first time ya know, and the SECOND night that he is at our house Christina and him go to bed together. So the week goes on, and I am getting pissed, because for one, EWWW man thats my SISTER and for another, he was supposed to be there to see me. So I confront them, and I say, “Christina, WTF?? You have a boyfriend, and something something”(I forget the rest). Then I asked if they had sex, and Robert said no and Christina said yes. And then they BOTH said that it was put out there, but nothing happened.
Ok.
Then, I get all dolled up, to seduce Robert back, and as we are going to my bedroom, I see my niece is sleeping in my bed. WTF??? That is the daughter of my OTHER sister Amanda, and in my dream I thought why the hell is Morgan here??? So I took her to sleep with Christina, and my one shot of l’amore with Robert was lost.
So..
Now its another day, and we go to Jaks*. It’s totally different than how I remembered it, and somehow Robert had turned into Heather while we were deciding what groceries to buy. So I see they had eggnog, and I went nuts because I fucking LOVE eggnog, and the girl that worked there had this big glass container and some magical eggnog-making machine, and only filled it up like..3/8th’s of the way. So I take my eggnog, and the potato chips..Robert wanted potato chips before he turned into Heather…and the other crap we picked up along the way, and go to the check-out.
The manager checks out our stuff (he looks and sounds like the Colonel Sanders), and I start complaining about the eggnog. I show him the bottles, and he gives them back to the girl and she fills them both up to the top, and has enough left over for another bottle..about half full now.
/end of weird dream.
*Jaks is a drive through convenience store we have in these parts. I love saying “in these parts”..Sounds so…boon-hick. So if you know what one is, you’d know how totally off my dream was. There is NO WAY ON EARTH you can get a grocery cart and do some shopping in there.
6:49 AM
Friday, November 18, 2005
Shit..I forgot I deleted him.
There, I made it public…now my secret is out, and I must begin the transformation.
3:28 PM
Friday, November 18, 2005
Still want it, been wanting it, goddamn tired of waiting on it
Oh oh my my my
My man’s up all night
Work me till i moan
Drives me out of my mind
Why it’s so hard
You’re made out of cold steel
Why it’s so hard
You’re the man running my wheel
Just keep me burning
Just keep me yearning
Put my whole body on fire
Burning whole body desire
Why it’s so hard
Yeah taking me over
Why it’s so hard
My cold steel soldier
Harder
Harder
Harder
Wow
Oh oh make me beg
He’s sweet in my bed
Work me till i’m done
Mad dog can sure hunt
Why it’s so hard
Daddy made out of cold steel
Why it’s so hard
C’mon daddy drive my wheel
Harder
Harder
Harder
Wow
Why it’s so hard
You’re taking me over
Why it’s so hard
My cold steel soldier
Harder
Harder
Harder
Yeah
PS- This one is for Valentino(nudge nudge wink wink)
If I were any more blunt…I’d be arrested.
ALSO
This does not in any way shape or form mean that I like him as more than a friend. A friend I think about naked* sometimes, but a friend all the same. Goddamn.
*sweats*
I am SO clever. No one knows. *evil laugh*
/end of pathetic crush because really, I know better. I never get the ones I want, just the ones that THINK they want me. Blah. Now that I have officially become depressed**, have some Smiths.
Haven’t had a dream in a long time
See, the life I’ve had
Can make a good man bad
So for once in my life
Let me get what I want
Lord knows, it would be the first time
Lord knows, it would be the first time
Or maybe this one is better for how I am feeling:
Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I don’t want to wake up
On my own anymore
Sing to me
Sing to me
I don’t want to wake up
On my own anymore
I hate blogs. I hate them so much that if I write something even remotely true my first instinct is to delete it and deny I ever wrote it. Now it’s like 5 in the morning..I was having weird dreams.***
*Ok when I said “naked” I mean fully dressed..like..in church and stuff.
**And rather embarrassed.
***I will post this dream in another blog.
3:02 PM
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
I am always right!
I tried to warn ya’ll. He is quite addictive, better than any drug, and a thousand times not worth the trouble.
12:45 PM
Monday, November 07, 2005
/
Like I didn’t already fucking know. Too little, never happened anyway. I didn’t feel a thing.
And could you stand the torture
And could you stand the pain
Could you put your faith in jesus
When you’re burning in the flames
5:21 PM
Monday, November 07, 2005
Things I think about (right now)
If I have toe cancer. It goes numb every now and then.
I saw this movie once where this troll thing sucks your breath and they blamed it on the cat. I thought I had made it up until I found it on teh Interweb.
I wonder if I would date myself if I was a guy and the female me was still me.
I always wondered why my hair dreads in the back when I have a boyfriend, but not when I am single. Maybe it’s because I spend more time on my back when I have a boyfriend.
I like my watch.
I think I look Jewish.
Sometimes when I get cold I smoke a cigarette, thinking that will warm me up.
There are places I remember, in my life, though none remain.
I still remember the way the playground used to smell.
I would get on top of the monkey bars, and be too scared to get down, so I’d imagine staying up there for the rest of my life. An old woman, stuck on the monkey bars. Eventually I’d get back down.
I wish I had smaller feet.
I had a dream the other night. This guy had all these muscles and really soft chest hair. Totally woke up aroused. I don’t even like muscles.
Is it too early for a drink?
Jesus looks totally hot in this picture. Holy crap.
I have goosebumps.
I wonder what Jesus would say?
So I thought I had you figured out….and then you go and do that.
I know absolutely NOTHING about love.
12 days later and all of this is still what I am thinking about. Except the dream about that guy.
Why does everyone tell me I am insane?
12:58 PM
Monday, November 07, 2005
You….I’d say never again, never again
Y’know that I want your loving
but my logic tells me that it aint never gonna happen
and then my defense’d say I did’t want it anyway
but you know sometimes I’m a liar
could you ever want me to love you
could you ever want me to care
just wanted to say for the record, I knew this, man.
4:40 PM
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
I love how he writes
There’s something about the smooth curve of your back. The way the cross points down the spine, and its spike is joined by the curve of your spine jutting out from your back. The way the harshness of the tattoo, its angles and sharpness mix with the softness of your body is alluring. Sexy.

You can’t help but look at the crease between back and leg, the arm folding in between your legs. Wanting to see in, but being denied, is a tease. Following the length of your leg – how soft, how smooth it looks, and abruptly coming off the picture. Eyes moving back to the crease, wanting to see.

You had to chose that one, didn’t you. I can’t do it right now. First of all, you’re just tempting me with the effects. Secondly, that’ll take a very terse type of writing. It needs to be harsh, but sexual. It needs to feel like you’re being pushed on the bed and taken to describe that one.

It’s far too sexual. It just exudes it. I swear, the average man on seeing that picture would need a cigarette.

Running through the jungle, you trip and fall. You try to scramble to your feet, but before you can, the lioness has you. Claws digging in, teeth tearing you apart. A camera man captures the moment just before the attack. Except it’s not a physical attack, it’s a sexual attack.

And the lioness has you.

Blatantly, your small breasts stick out. Pure sexuality oozing out from beneath a bra. Nipples exposed. Naked skin everywhere the eye looks. It would be inviting if the eyes and lips didn’t hold a smirk of satisfaction, like a tiger licking its lips after a particularily tasty and bloody meal. Eyes focus on your body, not in the picture, and arms hang onto her waist in a look of defiance. Pure animal defiance: and she will have her way with you.

And all you can do is stare, and ask her to be quick. Or take her time. Just let her stop taunting you and come. The pain of losing will feel so good.

There are two things that happen almost instantly when you see her, laid before you, a feast of sexual energy and desire. The first, is you feel the blood rush through your body, and your entire body ache with the sudden excitement. Second, your very being yearns to be having sex. Pounding. Harder. Clawing. Screaming. Biting. Hard and Furious. And begging for release.

Despite the sweet breasts above, you stare at the slightly shaved area. Heart pumping. Heat building. Just staring, wishing for more. Then your eyes move quickly up the tight body. Past the hinting cherry to the belly button, and then over the entire stomach. Thin and curving, noticing the leg spread, your eyes feed on it like a starving man. Too hungry, they move up only to be teased by a dark bra covering the bottom half of sweet orbs. The picture teases and taunts, giving no release and whispering only of dark promises to be carried out against the wall… the floor… somewhere public, convenient, immediate. Yes, immediate, not wanting to wait.

Not wanting to have to stop.

Not wanting to ever, ever, ever to have to stop.

The release feels too good.

2:40 PM
Saturday, October 22, 2005
Audio
When the mistakes have been made. When it’s old news. When it’s past tense. When everyone else has moved on. Then I work it out. I’m one step behind reality. I can’t keep up. “Give me time.” Time to catch up. Time to… Time to keep reality at bay. Time to think. Plan what I’m going to say. Plan what I’m going to think. Time to put up the shield. Time to make my face. Time to make my voice. Don’t put me in a new situation. No. I won’t know how to act. Won’t know what to say. Won’t know what to think. I’ll clam up. I’ll say nothing. I’ll think nothing. I won’t be there. Oh, I may look like I’m there, but I won’t be. So I’m the quiet one. Thoughtful. Contemplative. I’m there. I’m listening. Observing. Taking it all in. Oh, keep going, I’m quite interested. Don’t be fooled. I’m not there. God, how I want to be. There’s nothing there. I’m not thinking. I’m storing, sure, but I’m not thinking. I can’t think while you’re there. You keep talking and I keep storing and later I’ll think about what you’ve said, if I remember it all. But not now. I’ll just nod my head and signal my agreement and store it all for later and then I’ll work out what you said. And then I’ll work out what I think. What I want to say. Whether or not I agree. Then I’ll work it out. And I’ll have all the answers that I wanted to give and I’ll have all the spontaneous remarks and the witty comments and the thoughtful insights and all the little idiosyncrasies that make me who I am. I’ll have them all. Every single one. But… you’ll never hear them. Because you’ll be gone by then. I’ll have worked it out. And I’ll have the answers. I’ll have the interesting conversation. I’ll have the personality, the charm, the wit, and the intelligence. But you’ll be gone by then. The moment will have passed. Reality will have moved on. And I’ll be entertaining and alone. You’ll be in bed. I’ll be in bed. The day will be over. And I’ll entertain you in my dreams. I’ll make you laugh so hard. Damn! You’ll be begging me to stop. And then I’ll get serious and start telling you what’s really on my mind. And you’ll learn so much about me. You’ll find out what makes me tick. And I’ll ask about you, too. So many questions. I’ll get right inside your brain and we’ll confide in each other and become the best of friends. Damn, we’ll be so close. We’ll be able to give each other knowing looks without a word said. We’ll know when one of us is miserable. We’ll be able to read each other’s mind.
3:03 PM
Saturday, October 22, 2005
In no specific order
1. Annoys me for the most part.
2. Is totally random, and makes me laugh. Unfortunately, is always around, so I usually put off responding.
3. Is someone I’d like to get to know better.
4. Drives me crazy, and totally throws me.Escapes my understanding.
5. Seems cool.
6. Probably not someone I’d like in reality.
7. Probably more talk than action.
8. A few I never talk to.
9. Very cute. Easy to talk to.
10. MY BEST FRIEND!!
11. She is insane, and I am a lot like her.
12. Used to be mine.
13. I like his shirt.
14. Nice dimples.
15. I’d have a beer with her.
16. Liked at first, now not so much.
17. Appearances were very deceiving in this case.
18. He hates blondes, and loves Volkswagons.
19. I don’t know this one.
20. This is the same one.
21. IS ME!!
22. Owes me a martini.
23. Is very smart, and very witty. Makes people mad.
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
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2:31 PM
11:42 AM
Monday, October 17, 2005
More stuff you want
1. I have seen animal porn. I still can’t believe that guy fucked a chicken.
2. I still get creeped out by things I have seen a decade ago.
3. I never forget.
4. I never forgive.
5. I never let go, I just change my mind.
6. I have more songs memorized than I care to think of.
7. If I really tried, I could do a better job than Hitler. Not to the Jews, but to the preppies.
8. I might be racist, and you might find it charming.
9. I have never been in love, and I’d like to keep it that way.
10. I would get married if the price was right.
11. There is a way to make me treat you better, but I won’t tell you what it is 🙂
12. I drink a lot.
13. I think there is something dark and terrible inside of me.
14. Most days, I hate who I am.
15. Guilt works wonders on me.
12:22 PM
Thursday, October 13, 2005
PWNED
Indeed you are. When you put up with all her ridiculous and paranoid commands without a second thought, you are most definitely sans testicles. Might as well tie a bow around your dick, and attach your wallet to it, and hand it on over to that Yankee bitch.
Wasn’t so long ago you were still a man, your own boss. Didn’t let anyone tell you what to do, except your momma. Look at you now. She’s got you drooling over her, better hope that pussy is worth losing what dignity you had left.
Maybe if you hadn’t of been such a dick to me I could have helped you out a bit. As it is now, all I can do is sit back and laugh. I know how this one is gonna end. You’ll never change, and your “flirty” shit is just gonna get worse. I hope you are getting your rest, you are gonna need it for the upcoming non-stop bickering and fighting. Hopefully this time you can actually get some ass for your trouble, which tends to make things a bit calmer.
Good luck, honey. You got yourself a live one 🙂
12:26 PM
Monday, October 10, 2005
To those pretty ones(but I am better still)
i hear you talkin that talk (that talk), i heard you was talkin bout me (bout me) soon as i ask who you talkin to, you replyin with naw its not me (not me) no bite for all of that barkin (that bark), how mad that yall done got me (got me) they aint keepin it real like they talkin, pussy niggas is all that i see (chamillionaire verse one) you could be hungry, ugly, chubby, homeless, crippled and blind and still be better off then niggas talkin lip to a nine i hit that track with david banner talk that lip to me now pussy niggas like to hide, drop a bomb and surprise tired of lettin niggas ride, gave em to many times im sick of tryin, sick em ??? flippin and flyin now they got me yellin out what? like a skit from jon chamillitary aint gon ride, yall niggas quit ya lyin cause you know that you falsifyin, niggas know they cant stop the giants a shoulder to stop the cryin, move over this spot is mine takeover its about the time, time to put all these boys in line you walkin into my shoes, but you know youll get dropped to tie em (chamillionaire chorus) i hear you talkin that talk (that talk), i heard you was talkin bout me (bout me) soon as i ask who you talkin to, you replyin with naw its not me (not me) no bite for all of that barkin (that bark), how mad that yall done got me (got me) they aint keepin it real like they talkin, pussy niggas is all that i see (david banner verse) if it jumps off it jumps off, let the front of the pump talk sumthin thatll knock yo fuckin lump off think im bammer think im country, well i am bitch and i gout bullets i can share, and i aint selfish baby boy i got just what you need, them slugs thatll fly through trees and knock off kness, knock off ears knock off peers, got beats thatll knock by see us roll up, get ya throat cut catch a buck fifth, watch yo chest lift dope rhymes, cause the small eyes take a smith bitch im tryin to make yo nose bleed like russians rushin the shit outta apollo creed, ima ride (chamillionaire chorus) i hear you talkin that talk (that talk), i heard you was talkin bout me (bout me) soon as i ask who you talkin to, you replyin with naw its not me (not me) no bite for all of that barkin (that bark), how mad that yall done got me (got me) they aint keepin it real like they talkin, pussy niggas is all that i see (chamillionaire verse two) betta respest the messiah, hey where the hell is your manners man knock you off of yo henges, like you got hit with a battle ram youd be stupid for challengin, knock you out of yo skeleton you be down on the floor like a lil flip or a banner fan i hustle man, i hustle a grand like dude at atlantic then what i do with it, flip it kinda like that do that he mad at the talkin stops when a rocket is sendin you out the planet youll be just timber-n-a-lake, like that dude pullin janet that could get you shot or damaged, i bet that you cry about it that could get you cut beat the hell up, then goodbye you vanish put your feet on the concrete, i hope that you got em planted now stand back so i can (blap), and make you lose alll your balance koopa (chamillionaire chorus) i hear you talkin that talk (that talk), i heard you was talkin bout me (bout me) soon as i ask who you talkin to, you replyin with naw its not me (not me) no bite for all of that barkin (that bark), how mad that yall done got me (got me) they aint keepin it real like they talkin, pussy niggas is all that i see (chamillionaire talkin) there you have it baby. im hearin yall but yall full of (that talk). if you got sumthin to say (bout me) dont say it behind my back come say it to my face. if you feel you got sumthin to say (bout me). hey banner (that bark) lets ride out mayne (bout me). show some respect. tell em the name, tell em the name chamillitary mayne
4:30 PM
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
Reduce me, seduce me
Fuck.
2:00 PM
Monday, October 03, 2005
I hate her
Fuck you Sarah.
12:41 PM
Sunday, October 02, 2005
boy
Two jumps in a week, I bet you think that’s pretty clever don’t you boy. Flying on your motorcycle, watching all the ground beneath you drop. You’d kill yourself for recognition, kill yourself to never ever stop. You broke another mirror, you’re turning into something you are not. Don’t leave me high, don’t leave me dry Don’t leave me high, don’t leave me dry Drying up in conversaton, you will be the one you cannot talk. All your insides fall to pieces, you just sit there wishing you could still make love They’re the ones who’ll hate you when you think you’ve got the world all sussed out They’re the ones who’ll spit at you. you will be the one screaming out. Don’t leave me high, don’t leave me dry Don’t leave me high, don’t leave me dry It’s the best thing that you’ve ever had, the best thing that you’ve ever, ever had. It’s the best thing that you’ve ever, the best thing you have ever had has gone away. Don’t leave me high, don’t leave me dry Don’t leave me high, don’t leave me dry
4:12 PM
Sunday, October 02, 2005
wears her out
Her Green plastic watering can For her fake chinese rubber plant In fake plastic earth. That she bought from a rubber man In a town full of rubber plans. Just to get rid of itself. And It Wears Her Out, it wears her out It wears her out, it wears her out. She lives with a broken man A cracked polystyrene man Who just crumbles and burns. He used to do surgery For girls in the industry But gravity always wins. And It Wears Him Out, it wears him out It wears him out, it wears him out. She looks like the real thing She tastes like the real thing My Fake Plastic Love. But I can’t help the feeling I could blow through the ceiling If I just turn and run And It Wears Me Out, it wears me out It wears me out, it wears me out. And if I could BE who you wanted If I could BE who you wanted, All the time, all the time, ohhh… ohh…
4:02 PM
Sunday, October 02, 2005
Blah
I drink too much.
3:45 PM
Friday, September 30, 2005
A friend with weed is better
I have 24 friends and one of them is my sister…hi Nini, I love you 🙂
I have met…hmm…4 of them. I have had sex with..two* of them. I haaaaaaave hmmm……….a crush on one of them. I have embarrassed two of them. Too many of them have seen me in various states of undress..
One of them left his movie and a bracelet I stole at my house. One of them is now my boyfriend. All of them I would like to know better. Any of them I’d have a beer with.
I admire a few, laugh with a few, daydream of a few..
*Shit. Three of them 😉
2:58 AM
Monday, September 26, 2005
Love is a hell you cannot bear, I say give me mine back and then go there for all I care
I have known you for what..5, 6 months? In that time period, how far have we come? I say at this vantage point, we have gone nowhere pretty damn fast. Before we knew each other a week, “I love you’s” were exchanged. Talk of our future together developed naturally, albeit very quickly. We talked about names we liked for our future children. Furniture for our future home..
We cried, laughed, loved, and fought through every electronic medium. Our relationship has been nothing if not rocky. Your semester at school comes to an end, and the day you are scheduled to finally meet me you are put in the hospital for surgery. Cancer.
The last time I was that scared was when my son had surgery. My feelings for you just dwarfed any other emotion I had.
You tell me you wanted me, needed me, and loved me more than anything (as big as the sky)
I tell you I need to be with you, need to hold and love you. You tell me to be patient. 6 months and all kinds of shit later, I have STILL never met you. Now you block me again. Tell me you need time. I ask you, of everything that we shared, all the love we once had to give to one another, have I become so poisonous to you that now you can’t even talk to me???
I conclude you never knew me at all. I never claimed to be nice. I never claimed to be fair. Hell I never even claimed to be supportive. I know my faults, and I know yours. The difference is, you don’t. I have been put on a pedestal before, and always crash down to earth sooner or later.
They say only fools rush in. Now I see the genius of that. We have both behaved as fools. You thinking that if someone loves you they could never leave you and me thinking your words were enough to keep me. One of your biggest pet peeves was having everyone and their brother telling you what to do with your life. I never did that to you, instead I listened to you bitch and moan about your family and friends, who now have rallied to the rescue and made me out to be the enemy.
Yes I have said things to you I regret, and I am sure if you thought about it hard enough, you can think of a few things you might have regretted as well. I told you a million times I am not your ex. What she did to you is not what we are going or went through. You have to take responsibility for the crumbling of this relationship as much as I have.
So I know your faults. I also know your strengths, and maybe you have forgotten, but there was a time when I would sing your praises just as readily as you would sing mine. All we seem to have left is anger and bitterness. You try to come off as indifferent. But I can see through you. You care just as much as I do.
This whole thing has taught me one valuable lesson. You get what you give. Maybe I never gave enough, maybe you didn’t either. The facts of it have been examined, laid out before us, and impossible to ignore any more. I don’t love you, maybe I never did, and maybe I thought I did.
One day (always one day) you will realize that you never loved me either. Not for whom I really am, not for who you thought I was.
I wish you peace.
7:32 PM
Monday, September 26, 2005
Blocked 🙂
From messenger, Myspace…
‘Twas a lovely fish, that fishy fish 😉
I have my very first test this evening in Family Law. I am all prepared and excited..
*Update
Got a B on my test, blah. Not too bad, considering it was my first test in 6 years, but pretty crappy considering I studied all weekend.
4:51 PM
Monday, September 26, 2005
Blah blah
lilsmokie: he’s an idiot
Spartacus Anonymous: whys that?
lilsmokie: hi hih hi hi hi are you listening to the song he is making pitiful excuses for being an ass hole i am an ass hole because i got cancer from the toilet
Spartacus Anonymous: and why do you call him an asshole?
lilsmokie: first he wont admit to having an over inflated ego second ( and 2nd part proof of his over inflated ego ) he doesn’t show any pictures of memories he uses pictures like a mirror and he uses Photoshop like a magic mirror to make his already fabulous image EVEN MORE FABULOUS and on and on with stuff like that
Spartacus Anonymous: you are correct senator
5:59 AM
Sunday, September 25, 2005
Cut it again
She’s your cocaine
She’s got you shaving your legs
You can suck anything
But you know you wanna be me
Put on your make-up boy
You’re your favourite stranger
And we all like to watch
So shimmy once and do it again
Bring your sister
Bring Your sister
If you can’t handle it
Bring your sister
Bring Your sister
If you can’t handle it
She says control it
Then she says don’t control it
Then she says you’re controlling
The way she makes you crawl
She’s your cocaine
Your Exodus laughing
She knows what you are
So shimmy once and do it again
Bring your sister
Bring Your sister
If you can’t handle it
Bring your sister
Bring Your sister
If you can’t handle it
If you want me to
Boy I could lie to you
You don’t need one of these
To let me inside of you
And is it true
That devils end up like you
Something safe for the picture frame
And is it true
That devils end up like you
So tied up you don’t know how she came
She’s your cocaine
She’s got you shaving your legs
She got you liking mine back
Got me takin’ it in
Getting mine back
Lasting mine evil
I’m taking my easel
And I’m writing good checks
You sign Prince of Darkness
Try Squire of Dimness
Please don’t help me with this
Please don’t help me with this
Please don’t help me with this
Cut it again
3:56 PM
Friday, September 23, 2005
Donate and you’ll never regret it 😉
Alright all you fans of my breasts, I need a new bra. My black one just snapped, and my brown one was sacrificed at Lucy’s. All I have left is my white one, and white DOES NOT go with everything. Forget the Red Cross, give me your money.
*Update
A new bra has not been found as of yet, but to soothe my broken heart, I did get three new pairs of shoes, a new jacket, a shirt, and some fabulous skivvies.
3:09 PM
Thursday, September 22, 2005
YES YES YES OH MY GOD
1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT?
All of mine were self inflicted
2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
A better question would be what isn’t on my walls 😛
3. WHAT DOES YOUR CELL PHONE LOOK LIKE?
Don’t have one anymore.
4. WHAT MUSIC DO YOU LIKE TO LISTEN TO?
Anything except pop and new rap and new country.
5. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN?
Yes, 9:10 AM
6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
Cuddle 😦
7. WHAT DO YOU MISS AT TIMES?
Being a stupid kid.
8. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION?
My books and my great great grandmothers wedding ring.
9. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SMELL?
Cut grass, money, and clean baby 🙂
10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC?
No..I do get freaked out in open spaces
11. IF YOU DIED TOMORROW:
that would suck…(I agree)
12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
Robert
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE COLOGNE / PERFUME?
Armarige on me, Eternity on Men..or Hugo Boss
14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
I hate long hair on guys.
15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF BEING PROPOSED TO AT?
WalMart
16. DO YOU LIKE PORN?
Not really. I’d rather be having sex.
17. WHAT ARE YOUR FIVE FAVORITE MOVIES?
GWTW, The Blues Brothers, Strange Brew, Spaceballs, Monty Pythons Holy Grail
18. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF GOING FOR YOUR HONEYMOON?
Ireland
19. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU MADE MAD?
Robert
20. DO YOU SPEAK A DIFFERENT LANGUAGE?
Not really
21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST GIFT SOMEONE EVER GAVE YOU (OF THE OPPOSITE SEX ?)
Hmm don’t know.
22. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE SINGER(s)-
Too many.
23. FAVORITE BAND(s) –
Tori Amos, Modest Mouse, Radiohead, Tricky, John Denver
24. WHAT KIND OF BOOKS DO YOU LIKE TO READ?
Fiction
25. FAVORITE DESSERT:
Pickles
26. How DO YOU LIKE YOUR COFFEE?
White and sweet
27. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE QUOTE ?
Absence of evidence isn’t evidence of absence
28. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?
Do you have a choice who you fall for?
29. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU?
Be mean to them till they leave.
30. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED:
5
31. BLONDES, REDHEADS OR BRUNETTES?
Brunettes
32. WHAT IS THE ONE NUMBER YOU CALL OFTEN?
Josh or Nick
33. WHAT ANNOYS YOU MOST?
Everyone
34. HAVE YOU EVER DONE A PRANK CALL?
Yes
35. WHO IS YOUR CURRENT CRUSH?
Too many
36: WHAT IS YOUR WORST FEAR?
My child being hurt or dying
37: SAY SOMETHING TO SOMEONE YOU HAVEN’T SEEN/TALKED TO IN AWHILE:
Go away.
38: HAVE YOU EVER SAID “I LOVE YOU” AND NOT MEANT IT?
Yes.
39: WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED OUT THIS SURVEY?
Talking to Robert.
40. IF YOU COULD GET PLASTIC SURGERY, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Nah.
41. WHY DID YOU FILL OUT THIS SURVEY?
Shits and giggles.
42. WHAT DO YOU LIKE ON YOUR PIZZA?
meat, lots and lots of meat!(me too)
43. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF ALCOHOL BECAME ILLEGAL?
Make it myself.
44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Whatcha got?
45. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF IT SUDDENLY STARTED RAINING BLOOD?
Open my mouth.
46. Do you believe that myspace is the devil in disguise?
Not at all.
47. What is your favorite animal?
My stuffed animal Monkey.
48.Whats you’re favorite sport team and your favorite player from that team?
The only thing I watch is Finnish Rally.
49. What is good and what is evil?
I am evil. My son. mother, and Heather are good. Duh.
50. Who is your favorite person?
My son.
1:54 AM
Friday, September 16, 2005
I love you 🙂
Lullaby
by W. H. Auden
Lay Your Sleeping head, my love,
Human on my faithless arm:
Time and fevers burn away
Individual beauty from
Thoughtful children, and the grave
Proves the child ephemeral:
But in my arms till break of day
Let the living creature lie,
Mortal, guilty, but to me
The entirely beautiful.
Soul and body have no bounds:
To lovers as they lie upon
Her tolerant enchanted slope
In their ordinary swoon,
Grave the vision Venus sends
Of supernatural sympathy,
Universal love and hope;
While an abstract insight wakes
Among the glaciers and the rocks
The hermit’s carnal ecstasy,
Certainty, fidelity
On the stroke of midnight pass
Like vibrations of a bell
And fashionable madmen raise
Their pedantic boring cry:
Every farthing of the cost.
All the dreaded cards foretell.
Shall be paid, but from this night
Not a whisper, not a thought.
Not a kiss nor look be lost.
Beauty, midnight, vision dies:
Let the winds of dawn that blow
Softly round your dreaming head
Such a day of welcome show
Eye and knocking heart may bless,
Find our mortal world enough;
Noons of dryness find you fed
By the involuntary powers,
Nights of insult let you pass
Watched by every human love. When We Two Parted by Lord Byron (1788 – 1824) When we two parted In silence and tears, Half broken-hearted To sever the years, Pale grew thy cheek and cold, Colder, thy kiss; Truly that hour foretold Sorrow to this. The dew of the morning Sunk, chill on my brow, It felt like the warning Of what I feel now. Thy vows are all broken, And light is thy fame; I hear thy name spoken, And share in its shame. They name thee before me, A knell to mine ear; A shudder comes o’er me… Why wert thou so dear? They know not I knew thee, Who knew thee too well.. Long, long shall I rue thee, Too deeply to tell. In secret we met In silence I grieve That thy heart could forget, Thy spirit deceive. If I should meet thee After long years, How should I greet thee? With silence and tears.
11:31 AM
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
1. Why is abbreviation such a long word?
2. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
3. How did a fool and his money get together?
4. How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
5. If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?
6. What’s another word for thesaurus?
7. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
8. What do they use to ship Styrofoam?
9. If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty liter?
10. Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
11. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
12. Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
13. When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
14. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
15. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
16. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
17. Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.
18. If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
19. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
20. What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
21. Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
22. Is it possible to be totally partial?
23. What’s another word for thesaurus?
24. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
25. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
26. Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting?
27. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
28. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
29. Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
30. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
31. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
32. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
33. When it rains, why don’t sheep shrink?
34. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
35. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
6:37 PM
Thursday, September 08, 2005
*sobs*
Taking heartache with hard work
Goddamn I am such a jerk, I can’t do anything
And I shout that you’re all fakes
And you should have seen the look on your face
And I guess that’s what it takes
When comparing your bellyaches
And it’s been a long time
Which agrees with this watch of mine
And I guess that I miss you, and I’m sorry
If I dissed you
4:58 PM
Sunday, September 04, 2005
This charming man…isn’t so charming once you know him
There is nothing worse than people who think they can have whoever they want whenever they want. They build themselves up so high, take every compliment givin to them as sacred law, and think they are infalliable.
All good things come to an end, and the flip side would be that all bad things must come to an end too. Eventually…
Some things end quickly, no harm no foul..some things get drawn out..to the point where all you are doing is hurting each other, picking at each other…beating each other down just to make up in glowing terms and praise.
Of course, you never stay happy for long with a relationship as tumultuous as that, so it falls apart over again.
They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results. My advice is this- Stay away from flirts 🙂
They never change.
Please God let this be the last time I get so emo..alone 😛
5:31 PM
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Yes yes yes yes
They say it’s me,
That makes you do things
You might not have done,
If I was away
And that’s it’s me,
That likes to talk to you
And watches you,
As you walk away
Don’t say it’s useless,
Don’t say forget it
Don’t bring me wishes,
Of silly dreams
Just say it’s all,
From too much freedom
Too many fingers,
And to anything
They say it’s you,
That washes the weary
And brings the night into the day
If you won’t notice,
How can I show you
All of you worries,
Have all gone away
Don’t leave me lonely,
Don’t leave me unhappy
Just bring me up into your fate
If you don’t need me,
Then don’t deceive me
Letting my freedom turn into stone
Just be my angel,
If you love me
Be my angel,
In the night
Be my angel,
’cause you need me
Be my angel,
And treat me right
Don’t say you love me,
If you don’t need me
Don’t send me roses,
On your behalf
Just take me down,
And walk through your river
Down the middle,
And make it last
Holding on to you,
Holding on to me
Holding on tight,
’till my love is crossed
Don’t say it’s useless,
And don’t say forget it
You are my spirit,
Now you are gone
3:09 PM
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
The Devil and other Demons.
(Greek diabolos; Lat. diabolus). The name commonly given to the fallen angels, who are also known as demons (see DEMONOLOGY). With the article (ho) it denotes Lucifer, their chief, as in Matthew 25:41, “the Devil and his angels”. It may be said of this name, as St. Gregory says of the word angel, “nomen est officii, non naturæ”–the designation of an office, not of a nature. For the Greek word (from diaballein, “to traduce”) means a slanderer, or accuser, and in this sense it is applied to him of whom it is written “the accuser [ho kategoros] of our brethren is cast forth, who accused them before our God day and night” (Apocalypse 12:10). It thus answers to the Hebrew name Satan which signifies an adversary, or an accuser. Mention is made of the Devil in many passages of the Old and New Testaments, but there is no full account given in any one place, and the Scripture teaching on this topic can only be ascertained by combining a number of scattered notices from Genesis to Apocalypse, and reading them in the light of patristic and theological tradition. The authoritative teaching of the Church on this topic is set forth in the decrees of the Fourth Lateran Council (cap. i, “Firmiter credimus”), wherein, after saying that God in the beginning had created together two creatures, the spiritual and the corporeal, that is to say the angelic and the earthly, and lastly man, who was made of both spirit and body, the council continues: “Diabolus enim et alii dæmones a Deo quidem naturâ creati sunt boni, sed ipsi per se facti sunt mali.” (“the Devil and the other demons were created by God good in their nature but they by themselves have made themselves evil.”) Here it is clearly taught that the Devil and the other demons are spiritual or angelic creatures created by God in a state of innocence, and that they became evil by their own act. It is added that man sinned by the suggestion of the Devil, and that in the next world the wicked shall suffer perpetual punishment with the Devil. The doctrine which may thus be set forth in a few words has furnished a fruitful theme for theological speculation for the Fathers and Schoolmen, as well as later theologians, some of whom, Suarez for example, have treated it very fully. On the other hand it has also been the subject of many heretical or erroneous opinions, some of which owe their origin to pre-Christian systems of demonology. In later years Rationalist writers have rejected the doctrine altogether, and seek to show that it has been borrowed by Judaism and Christianity from external systems of religion wherein it was a natural development of primitive Animism (q. v.). As may be gathered from the language of the Lateran definition, the Devil and the other demons are but a part of the angelic creation, and their natural powers do not differ from those of the angels who remained faithful. Like the other angels, they are pure spiritual beings without any body, and in their original state they are endowed with supernatural grace and placed in a condition of probation. It was only by their fall that they became devils. This was before the sin of our first parents, since this sin itself is ascribed to the instigation of the Devil: “By the envy of the Devil, death came into the world” (Wisdom 2:24). Yet it is remarkable that for an account of the fall of the angels we must turn to the last book of the Bible. For as such we may regard the vision in the Apocalypse, albeit the picture of the past is blended with prophecies of what shall be in the future: “And there was a great battle in heaven, Michael and his angels fought with the dragon, and the dragon fought and his angels: and they prevailed not, neither was their place found any more in heaven. And that great dragon was cast out, that old serpent, who is called the devil and Satan, who seduceth the whole world; and he was cast unto the earth, and his angels were thrown down with him” (Apocalypse 12:7-9). To this may be added the words of St. Jude: “And the angels who kept not their principality, but forsook their own habitation, he hath reserved under darkness in everlasting chains, unto the judgment of the great day” (Jude 1:6; cf. II Peter 2:4). In the Old Testament we have a brief reference to the Fall in Job 4:18: “In his angels he found wickedness”. But to this must be added the two classic texts in the prophets: “How art thou fallen from heaven, O Lucifer, who didst rise in the morning? how art thou fallen to the earth, that didst wound the nations? And thou saidst in thy heart: I will ascend into heaven, I will exalt my throne above the stars of God, I will sit in the mountain of the covenant, in the sides of the north. I will ascend above the height of the clouds, I will be like the most High. But yet thou shalt be brought down to hell, into the depth of the pit” (Isaiah 14:12-15). This parable of the prophet is expressly directed against the King of Babylon, but both the early Fathers and later Catholic commentators agree in understanding it as applying with deeper significance to the fall of the rebel angel. And the older commentators generally consider that this interpretation is confirmed by the words of Our Lord to his disciples: “I saw Satan like lightning falling from heaven” (Luke 10:18). For these words were regarded as a rebuke to the disciples, who were thus warned of the danger of pride by being reminded of the fall of Lucifer. But modern commentators take this text in a different sense, and refer it not to the original fall of Satan, but his overthrow by the faith of the disciples, who cast out devils in the name of their Master. And this new interpretation, as Schanz observes, is more in keeping with the context. The parallel prophetic passage is Ezekiel’s lamentation upon the king of Tyre: You were the seal of resemblance, full of wisdom, and perfect in beauty. You were in the pleasures of the paradise of God; every precious stone was thy covering; the sardius, the topaz, and the jasper, the chrysolite, and the onyx, and the beryl, the sapphire, and the carbuncle, and the emerald; gold the work of your beauty: and your pipes were prepared in the day that you were created. You a cherub stretched out, and protecting, and I set you in the holy mountain of God, you have walked in the midst of the stones of fire. You were perfect in your wave from the day of creation, until iniquity was found in you. (Ezekiel 28:12-15) There is much in the context that can only be understood literally of an earthly king concerning whom the words are professedly spoken, but it is clear that in any case the king is likened to an angel in Paradise who is ruined by his own iniquity. Even for those who in no way doubt or dispute it, the doctrine set forth in these texts and patristic interpretations may well suggest a multitude of questions, and theologians have not been loath to ask and answer them. And in the first place what was the nature of the sin of the rebel angels? In any case this was a point presenting considerable difficulty, especially for theologians, who had formed a high estimate of the powers and possibilities of angelic knowledge, a subject which had a peculiar attraction for many of the great masters of scholastic speculation. For if sin be, as it surely is, the height of folly, the choice of darkness for light, of evil for good, it would seem that it can only be accounted for by some ignorance, or inadvertence, or weakness, or the influence of some overmastering passion. But most of these explanations seem to be precluded by the powers and perfections of the angelic nature. The weakness of the flesh, which accounts for such a mass of human wickedness, was altogether absent from the angels. There could be no place for carnal sin without the corpus delicti. And even some sins that are purely spiritual or intellectual seem to present an almost insuperable difficulty in the case of the angels. This may certainly be said of the sin which by many of the best authorities is regarded as being actually the great offense of Lucifer, to wit, the desire of independence of God and equality with God. It is true that this seems to be asserted in the passage of Isaiah (14:13). And it is naturally suggested by the idea of rebellion against an earthly sovereign, wherein the chief of the rebels very commonly covets the kingly throne. At the same time the high rank which Lucifer is generally supposed to have held in the hierarchy of angels might seem to make this offense more likely in his case, for, as history shows, it is the subject who stands nearest the throne who is most open to temptations of ambition. But this analogy is not a little misleading. For the exaltation of the subject may bring his power so near that of his sovereign that he may well be able to assert his independence or to usurp the throne; and even where this is not actually the case he may at any rate contemplate the possibility of a successful rebellion. Moreover, the powers and dignities of an earthly prince may be compatible with much ignorance and folly. But it is obviously otherwise in the case of the angels. For, whatever gifts and powers may be conferred on the highest of the heavenly princes, he will still be removed by an infinite distance from the plenitude of God’s power and majesty, so that a successful rebellion against that power or any equality with that majesty would be an absolute impossibility. And what is more, the highest of the angels, by reason of their greater intellectual illumination, must have the clearest knowledge of this utter impossibility of attaining to equality with God. This difficulty is clearly put by the Disciple in St. Anselm’s dialogue “De Casu Diaboli” (cap. iv); for the saint felt that the angelic intellect, at any rate, must see the force of the “ontological argument” (see ONTOLOGY). “If”, he asks, “God cannot be thought of except as sole, and as of such an essence that nothing can be thought of like to Him [then] how could the Devil have wished for what could not be thought of?–He surely was not so dull of understanding as to be ignorant of the inconceivability of any other entity like to God” (Si Deus cogitari non potest, nisi ita solus, ut nihil illi simile cogitari possit, quomodo diabolus potuit velle quod non potuit cogitari? Non enim ita obtusæ mentis erat, ut nihil aliud simile Deo cogitari posse nesciret). The Devil, that is to say, was not so obtuse as not to know that it was impossible to conceive of anything like (i.e. equal) to God. And what he could not think he could not will. St. Anselm’s answer is that there need be no question of absolute equality; yet to will anything against the Divine will is to seek to have that independence which belongs to God alone, and in this respect to be equal to God. In the same sense St. Thomas (I:63:3) answers the question, whether the Devil desired to be “as God”. If by this we mean equality with God, then the Devil could not desire it, since he knew this to be impossible, and he was not blinded by passion or evil habit so as to choose that which is impossible, as may happen with men. And even if it were possible for a creature to become God, an angel could not desire this, since, by becoming equal with God he would cease to be an angel, and no creature can desire its own destruction or an essential change in its being. These arguments are combated by Scotus (In II lib. Sent., dist. vi, Q. i.), who distinguishes between efficacious volition and the volition of complaisance, and maintains that by the latter act an angel could desire that which is impossible. In the same way he urges that, though a creature cannot directly will its own destruction, it can do this consequenter, i.e. it can will something from which this would follow. Although St. Thomas regards the desire of equality with God as something impossible, he teaches nevertheless (loc. cit.) that Satan sinned by desiring to be “as God”, according to the passage in the prophet (Isaiah 14), and he understands this to mean likeness, not equality. But here again there is need of a distinction. For men and angels have a certain likeness to God in their natural perfections, which are but a reflection of his surpassing beauty, and yet a further likeness is given them by supernatural grace and glory. Was it either of these likenesses that the devil desired? And if it be so, how could it be a sin? For was not this the end for which men and angels were created? Certainly, as Thomas teaches, not every desire of likeness with God would be sinful, since all may rightly desire that manner of likeness which is appointed them by the will of their Creator. There is sin only where the desire is inordinate, as in seeking something contrary to the Divine will, or in seeking the appointed likeness in a wrong way. The sin of Satan in this matter may have consisted in desiring to attain supernatural beatitude by his natural powers or, what may seem yet stranger, in seeking his beatitude in the natural perfections and reflecting the supernatural. In either case, as St. Thomas considers, this first sin of Satan was the sin of pride. Scotus, however (loc. cit., Q. ii), teaches that this sin was not pride properly so called, but should rather be described as a species of spiritual lust. Although nothing definite can be known as to the precise nature of the probation of the angels and the manner in which many of them fell, many theologians have conjectured, with some show of probability, that the mystery of the Divine Incarnation was revealed to them, that they saw that a nature lower than their own was to be hypostatically united to the Person of God the Son, and that all the hierarchy of heaven must bow in adoration before the majesty of the Incarnate Word; and this, it is supposed, was the occasion of the pride of Lucifer (cf. Suarez, De Angelis, lib. VII, xiii). As might be expected, the advocates of this view seek support in certain passages of Scripture, notably in the words of the Psalmist as they are cited in the Epistle to the Hebrews: “And again, when he bringeth in the first-begotten into the world, he saith: And let all the angels of God adore Him” (Hebrews 1:6; Psalm 96:7). And if the twelfth chapter of the Apocalypse may be taken to refer, at least in a secondary sense, to the original fall of the angels, it may seem somewhat significant that it opens with the vision of the Woman and her Child. But this interpretation is by no means certain, for the text in Hebrews, i, may be referred to the second coming of Christ, and much the same may be said of the passage in the Apocalypse. It would seem that this account of the trial of the angels is more in accordance with what is known as the Scotist doctrine on the motives of the Incarnation than with the Thomist view, that the Incarnation was occasioned by the sin of our first parents. For since the sin itself was committed at the instigation of Satan, it presupposes the fall of the angels. How, then, could Satan’s probation consist in the fore-knowledge of that which would, ex hypothesi, only come to pass in the event of his fall? In the same way it would seem that the aforesaid theory is incompatible with another opinion held by some old theologians, to wit, that men were created to fill up the gaps in the ranks of the angels. For this again supposes that if no angels had sinned no men would have been made, and in consequence there would have been no union of the Divine Person with a nature lower than the angels. As might be expected from the attention they had bestowed on the question of the intellectual powers of the angels, the medieval theologians had much to say on the time of their probation. The angelic mind was conceived of as acting instantaneously, not, like the mind of man, passing by discursive reasoning from premises to conclusions. It was pure intelligence as distinguished from reason. Hence it would seem that there was no need of any extended trial. And in fact we find St. Thomas and Scotus discussing the question whether the whole course might not have been accomplished in the first instant in which the angels were created. The Angelic Doctor argues that the Fall could not have taken place in the first instant. And it certainly seems that if the creature came into being in the very act of sinning the sin itself might be said to come from the Creator. But this argument, together with many others, is answered with his accustomed acuteness by Scotus, who maintains the abstract possibility of sin in the first instant. But whether possible or not, it is agreed that this is not what actually happened. For the authority of the passages in Isaiah and Ezekiel, which were generally accepted as referring to the fall of Lucifer, might well suffice to show that for at least one instant he had existed in a state of innocence and brightness. To modern readers the notion that the sin was committed in the second instant of creation may seem scarcely less incredible than the possibility of a fall in the very first. But this may be partly due to the fact that we are really thinking of human modes of knowledge, and fail to take into account the Scholastic conception of angelic cognition. For a being who was capable of seeing many things at once, a single instant might be equivalent to the longer period needed by slowly-moving mortals. This dispute, as to the time taken by the probation and fall of Satan, has a purely speculative interest. But the corresponding question as to the rapidity of the sentence and punishment is in some ways a more important matter. There can indeed be no doubt that Satan and his rebel angels were very speedily punished for their rebellion. This would seem to be sufficiently indicated in some of the texts which are understood to refer to the fall of the angels. It might be inferred, moreover, from the swiftness with which punishment followed on the offense in the case of our first parents, although man’s mind moves more slowly than that of the angels, and he had more excuse in his own weakness and in the power of his tempter. It was partly for this reason, indeed, that man found mercy, whereas there was no redemption for the angels. For, as St. Peter says, “God spared not the angels that sinned” (II Peter 2:4). This, it may be observed, is asserted universally, indicating that all who fell suffered punishment. For these and other reasons theologians very commonly teach that the doom and punishment followed in the next instant after the offense, and many go so far as to say there was no possibility of repentance. But here it will be well to bear in mind the distinction drawn between revealed doctrine, which comes with authority, and theological speculation, which to a great extent rests on reasoning. No one who is really familiar with the medieval masters, with their wide differences, their independence, their bold speculation, is likely to confuse the two together. But in these days there is some danger that we may lose sight of the distinction. It is true that, when it fulfils certain definite conditions, the agreement of theologians may serve as a sure testimony to revealed doctrine, and some of their thoughts and even their very words have been adopted by the Church in her definitions of dogma. But at the same time these masters of theological thought freely put forward many more or less plausible opinions, which come to us with reasoning rather than authority, and must needs stand or fall with the arguments by which they are supported. In this way we may find that many of them may agree in holding that the angels who sinned had no possibility of repentance. But it may be that it is a matter of argument, that each one holds it for a reason of his own and denies the validity of the arguments adduced by others. Some argue that from the nature of the angelic mind and will there was an intrinsic impossibility of repentance. But it may be observed that in any case the basis of this argument is not revealed teaching, but philosophical speculation. And it is scarcely surprising to find that its sufficiency is denied by equally orthodox doctors who hold that if the fallen angels could not repent this was either because the doom was instantaneous, and left no space for repentance, or because the needful grace was denied them. Others, again, possibly with better reason, are neither satisfied that sufficient grace and room for repentance were in fact refused, nor can they see any good ground for thinking this likely, or for regarding it as in harmony with all that we know of the Divine mercy and goodness. In the absence of any certain decision on this subject, we may be allowed to hold, with Suarez, that, however brief it may have been, there was enough delay to leave an opportunity for repentance, and that the necessary grace was not wholly withheld. If none actually repented, this may be explained in some measure by saying that their strength of will and fixity of purpose made repentance exceedingly difficult, though not impossible; that the time, though sufficient, was short; and that grace was not given in such abundance as to overcome these difficulties. The language of the prophets (Isaiah 14; Ezekiel 28) would seem to show that Lucifer held a very high rank in the heavenly hierarchy. And, accordingly, we find many theologians maintaining that before his fall he was the foremost of all the angels. Suarez is disposed to admit that he was the highest negatively, i.e. that no one was higher, though many may have been his equals. But here again we are in the region of pious opinions, for some divines maintain that, far from being first of all, he did not belong to one of the highest choirs–Seraphim, Cherubim, and Thrones–but to one of the lower orders of angels. In any case it appears that he holds a certain sovereignty over those who followed him in his rebellion. For we read of “the Devil and his angels” (Matthew 25:41), “the dragon and his angels” (Apocalypse 12:7), “Beelzebub, the prince of devils”–which, whatever be the interpretation of the name, clearly refers to Satan, as appears from the context: “And if Satan also be divided against himself, how shall his kingdom stand? Because you say that through Beelzebub I cast out devils” (Luke 11:15, 18), and “the prince of the Powers of this air” (Ephesians 2:2). At first sight it may seem strange that there should be any order or subordination amongst those rebellious spirits, and that those who rose against their Maker should obey one of their own fellows who had led them to destruction. And the analogy of similar movements among men might suggest that the rebellion would be likely to issue in anarchy and division. But it must be remembered that the fall of the angels did not impair their natural powers, that Lucifer still retained the gifts that enabled him to influence his brethren before their fall, and that their superior intelligence would show them that they could achieve more success and do more harm to others by unity and organization than by independence and division. Besides exercising this authority over those who were called “his angels”, Satan has extended his empire over the minds of evil men. Thus, in the passage just cited from St. Paul, we read, “And you, when you were dead in your offenses and sins, wherein in times past you walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of this air, of the spirit that now worketh on the children of unbelief” (Ephesians 2:1, 2). In the same way Christ in the Gospel calls him “the prince of this world”. For when His enemies are coming to take Him, He looks beyond the instruments of evil to the master who moves them, and says: “I will not now speak many things to you, for the prince of this world cometh, and in me he hath not anything” (John 14:30). There is no need to discuss the view of some theologians who surmise that Lucifer was one of the angels who ruled and administered the heavenly bodies, and that this planet was committed to his care. For in any case the sovereignty with which these texts are primarily concerned is but the rude right of conquest and the power of evil influence. His sway began by his victory over our first parents, who, yielding to his suggestions, were brought under his bondage. All sinners who do his will become in so far his servants. For, as St. Gregory says, he is the head of all the wicked–“Surely the Devil is the head of all the wicked; and of this head all the wicked are members” (Certe iniquorum omnium caput diabolus est; et hujus capitis membra sunt omnes iniqui.–Hom. 16, in Evangel.). This headship over the wicked, as St. Thomas is careful to explain, differs widely from Christ’s headship over the Church, inasmuch as Satan is only head by outward government and not also, as Christ is, by inward, life-giving influence (Summa III:8:7). With the growing wickedness of the world and the spreading of paganism and false religions and magic rites, the rule of Satan was extended and strengthened till his power was broken by the victory of Christ, who for this reason said, on the eve of His Passion: “Now is the judgment of the world: now shall the prince of this world be cast out” (John 12:31). By the victory of the Cross Christ delivered men from the bondage of Satan and at the same time paid the debt due to Divine justice by shedding His blood in atonement for our sins. In their endeavours to explain this great mystery, some old theologians, misled by the metaphor of a ransom for captives made in war, came to the strange conclusion that the price of Redemption was paid to Satan. But this error was effectively refuted by St. Anselm, who showed that Satan had no rights over his captives and that the great price wherewith we were bought was paid to God alone (cf. ATONEMENT). What has been said so far may suffice to show the part played by the Devil in human history, whether in regard to the individual soul or the whole race of Adam. It is indicated, indeed, in his name of Satan, the adversary, the opposer, the accuser, as well as by his headship of the wicked ranged under his banner in continual warfare with the kingdom of Christ. The two cities whose struggle is described by St. Augustine are already indicated in the words of the Apostle, “In this the children of God are manifest and the children of the devil: for the devil sinneth from the beginning. For this purpose the Son of God appeared, that He might destroy the works of the devil” (John 3:10, 8). Whether or not the foreknowledge of the Incarnation was the occasion of his own fall, his subsequent course has certainly shown him the relentless enemy of mankind and the determined opponent of the Divine economy of redemption. And since he lured our first parents to their fall he has ceased not to tempt their children in order to involve them in his own ruin. There is no reason, indeed, for thinking that all sins and all temptations must needs come directly from the Devil or one of his ministers of evil. For it is certain that if, after the first fall of Adam, or at the time of the coming of Christ, Satan and his angels had been bound so fast that they might tempt no more, the world would still have been filled with evils. For men would have had enough of temptation in the weakness and waywardness of their hearts. But in that case the evil would clearly have been far less than it is now, for the activity of Satan does much more than merely add a further source of temptation to the weakness of the world and the flesh; it means a combination and an intelligent direction of all the elements of evil. The whole Church and each one of her children are beset by dangers, the fire of persecution, the enervation of ease, the dangers of wealth and of poverty, heresies and errors of opposite characters, rationalism and superstition, fanaticism and indifference. It would be bad enough if all these forces were acting apart and without any definite purpose, but the perils of the situation are incalculably increased when all may be organized and directed by vigilant and hostile intelligences. It is this that makes the Apostle, though he well knew the perils of the world and the weakness of the flesh, lay special stress on the greater dangers that come from the assaults of those mighty spirits of evil in whom he recognized our real and most formidable foes–“Put you on the armour of God, that you may be able to stand against the deceits of the devil. For our wrestling is not against flesh and blood; but against principalities and powers, against the rulers of the world of this darkness, against the spirits of wickedness in the high places . . . Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, having on the breastplate of justice, and your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace; in all things taking the shield of faith, wherewith you may be able to extinguish all the fiery darts of the most wicked one” (Ephesians 6:11, 16).
11:08 AM
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Good old Etta
Screaming out alone in the night Just a time and place But it’s real all right We are diamonds that shine without fire We’re climbing the stairs Goind down and never higher Fallen Angels Going down Something came to me in a dream The crack of a gun and a bloody scream The I could see the faces and why I was holding the gun And the world began to die It’s a criminal world And we all get to play You’re a criminal Sins of the children Never get washed away We’re Fallen Angels Goin’ down Fallen Angels Come gather round Screaming out alone in the night Just a time and place But it’s real all right We are diamonds that shine without fire We are climbing the stairs Going down and never higher We’re Fallen Angels Fallen Angels Fallen Angels
10:56 AM
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Sunlight through a Suburban window, seatbelt too tight
There’s something happening here What it is ain’t exactly clear There’s a man with a gun over there Telling me I got to beware I think it’s time we stop, children, what’s that sound Everybody look what’s going down There’s battle lines being drawn Nobody’s right if everybody’s wrong Young people speaking their minds Getting so much resistance from behind I think it’s time we stop, hey, what’s that sound Everybody look what’s going down What a field-day for the heat A thousand people in the street Singing songs and carrying signs Mostly say, hooray for our side It’s time we stop, hey, what’s that sound Everybody look what’s going down Paranoia strikes deep Into your life it will creep It starts when you’re always afraid You step out of line, the man come and take you away We better stop, hey, what’s that sound Everybody look what’s going down Stop, hey, what’s that sound Everybody look what’s going down Stop, now, what’s that sound Everybody look what’s going down Stop, children, what’s that sound Everybody look what’s going down
10:10 AM
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Eviler when it rises
Icicle icicle
Where are you going
I have a hiding place
When spring marches in
Will you keep watch for me
I hear them calling
Gonna lay down
Gonna lay down
Greeting the monster in our easter dresses
Father says bow your head like the good book says
Well I think the good book is missing some pages
Gonna lay down
Gonna lay down
And when my hand touches myself
I can finally rest my head
And when they say take of his body
I think I’ll take from mine instead
Getting off
Getting off
While they’re all downstairs
Singing prayers
Sing away
He’s in my pumpkin p.j.’s
Lay your book on my chest
Feel the word
Feel the word
Feel the word
The word feel it
I could have
I should have
I could have flown
You know I could have
I should have
I didn’t go(too small to fly, too big to hide)
Icicle Icicle
Where are you going
I have a hiding palce when spring marches in
Will you keep watch for me I hear them calling
Gonna lay down
Gonna lay down
11:51 AM
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
You know it as well as I do..
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
And as I climb into an empty bed
Oh well. Enough said.
I know it’s over – still I cling
I don’t know where else I can go
Oh … Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
See, the sea wants to take me
The knife wants to slit me
Do you think you can help me?
Sad veiled bride, please be happy
Handsome groom, give her room
Loud, loutish lover, treat her kindly
(Though she needs you
More than she loves you)
And I know it’s over – still I cling
I don’t know where else I can go
Over and over and over and over
Over and over, la …
I know it’s over
And it never really began
But in my heart it was so real
And you even spoke to me, and said :
If you’re so funny

Then why are you on your own tonight?

And if you’re so clever

Then why are you on your own tonight?

If you’re so very entertaining

Then why are you on your own tonight?

If you’re so very good-looking

Why do you sleep alone tonight?

I know … ‘Cause tonight is just like any other night

That’s why you’re on your own tonight

With your triumphs and your charms

While they’re in each other’s arms…

It’s so easy to laugh
It’s so easy to hate
It takes strength to be gentle and kind
Over, over, over, over
It’s so easy to laugh
It’s so easy to hate
It takes guts to be gentle and kind
Over, over
Love is Natural and Real
But not for you, my love
Not tonight, my love
Love is Natural and Real
But not for such as you and I, my love
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Love it love it love it
JOB 4:1 Then answered Eliphaz the Temanite, and said, JOB 4:2 If one assay to commune with thee, wilt thou be grieved? But who can withhold himself from speaking? JOB 4:3 Behold, thou hast instructed many, And thou hast strengthened the weak hands. JOB 4:4 Thy words have upholden him that was falling, And thou hast made firm the feeble knees. JOB 4:5 But now it is come unto thee, and thou faintest; It toucheth thee, and thou art troubled. JOB 4:6 Is not thy fear `of God’ thy confidence, `And’ the integrity of thy ways thy hope? JOB 4:7 Remember, I pray thee, who `ever’ perished, being innocent? Or where were the upright cut off? JOB 4:8 According as I have seen, they that plow iniquity, And sow trouble, reap the same. JOB 4:9 By the breath of God they perish, And by the blast of his anger are they consumed. JOB 4:10 The roaring of the lion, and the voice of the fierce lion, And the teeth of the young lions, are broken. JOB 4:11 The old lion perisheth for lack of prey, And the whelps of the lioness are scattered abroad. JOB 4:12 Now a thing was secretly brought to me, And mine ear received a whisper thereof. JOB 4:13 In thoughts from the visions of the night, When deep sleep falleth on men, JOB 4:14 Fear came upon me, and trembling, Which made all my bones to shake. JOB 4:15 Then a spirit passed before my face; The hair of my flesh stood up. JOB 4:16 It stood still, but I could not discern the appearance thereof; A form was before mine eyes: `There was’ silence, and I heard a voice, `saying’, JOB 4:17 Shall mortal man be more just than God? Shall a man be more pure than his Maker? JOB 4:18 Behold, he putteth no trust in his servants; And his angels he chargeth with folly: JOB 4:19 How much more them that dwell in houses of clay, Whose foundation is in the dust, Who are crushed before the moth! JOB 4:20 Betwixt morning and evening they are destroyed: They perish for ever without any regarding it. JOB 4:21 Is not their tent-cord plucked up within them? They die, and that without wisdom.
9:17 AM
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Old school gives me the giggles
Well I tried to tell you so (yes, I did) But I guess you didn’t know, as I said the story goes Baby, now I got the flow ‘Cos I knew it from the start Baby, when you broke my heart That I had to come again, and show you that I’m real (You lied to me) all those times I said that I love you (You lied to me) yes, I tried, yes, I tried (You lied to me) even though you know I’d die for you (You lied to me) yes, I cried, yes, I cried 1-(Return of the Mack) it is (Return of the Mack) come on (Return of the Mack) oh my God (You know that I’ll be back) here I am (Return of the Mack) once again (Return of the Mack) pump up the world (Return of the Mack) watch my flow (You know that I’ll be back) here I go So I’m back up in the game Running things to keep my swing Letting all the people know That I’m back to run the show ‘Cos what you did, you know, was wrong And all the nasty things you’ve done So, baby, listen carefully While I sing my come-back song 2-(You lied to me) ‘cos she said she’d never turn on me (You lied to me) but you did, but you do (You lied to me) all these pains you said I’d never feel (You lied to me) but I do, but I do, do, do (Return of the Mack) here it is (Return of the Mack) hold on (Return of the Mack) don’t you know (You know that I’ll be back) here I go (Return of the Mack) oh little girl (Return of the Mack) wants my pearl (Return of the Mack) up and down (You know that I’ll be back) round and round (rpt 2, 1) (You know that I’ll be back) don’t you know (Return of the Mack) here it is (Return of the Mack) hold on (Return of the Mack) be strong (You know that I’ll be back) here I go (Return of the Mack) my little girl (Return of the Mack) wants my pearl (Return of the Mack) up and down (You know that I’ll be back) round and round
7:59 AM
Monday, August 29, 2005
All things come to an end…
Scarcely a tear to shed;
Hardly a word to say;
The end of a Summer’s day;
Sweet Love is dead.
William Allingham
O mother, mother, mak’ my bed

To lay me down in sorrow.

My love has died for me to-day,

I ‘ll die for him to-morrow.

William Allingham
The Night has a thousand eyes,
And the Day but one;
Yet the light of the bright world dies
With the dying sun.
The mind has a thousand eyes,
And the heart but one;
Yet the light of a whole life dies
When love is done.
Light. , Francis William Bourdillon
A love that took an early root,
And had an early doom.
The Devil’s Progress. , Thomas Kibble Hervey
Love me litle, love me long.
Proverbes. Part ii. Chap. ii. , John Heywood
My days are in the yellow leaf;
The flowers and fruits of love are gone;
The worm, the canker, and the grief
Are mine alone!
On my Thirty-sixth Year. , George Gordon Noel Byron, Lord Byron
Love not! love not! ye hopeless sons of clay;
Hope’s gayest wreaths are made of earthly flowers–
Things that are made to fade and fall away,
Ere they have blossomed for a few short hours.
Love not. , Caroline Elizabeth Sarah (Sheridan) Norton
Years of love have been forgot
In the hatred of a minute.
Edgar Allan Poe
When love begins to sicken and decay,
It useth an enforced ceremony.
There are no tricks in plain and simple faith.
William Shakespeare
2:41 PM
Monday, August 29, 2005
I am feeling romantical, bear with me.
When I have fears that I may cease to be Before my pen has glean’d my teeming brain, Before high-piled books, in charactery, Hold like rich garners the full ripen’d grain; When I behold, upon the night’s starr’d face, Huge cloudy symbols of a high romance, And think that I may never live to trace Their shadows, with the magic hand of chance; And when I feel, fair creature of an hour, That I shall never look upon thee more, Never have relish in the faery power Of unreflecting love;–then on the shore Of the wide world I stand alone, and think Till love and fame to nothingness do sink. -Keats She walks in beauty, like the night Of cloudless climes and starry skies; And all that’s best of dark and bright Meet in her aspect and her eyes: Thus mellow’d to that tender light Which heaven to gaudy day denies. One shade the more, one ray the less, Had half impair’d the nameless grace Which waves in every raven tress, Or softly lightens o’er her face; Where thoughts serenely sweet express How pure, how dear their dwelling-place. And on that cheek, and o’er that brow, So soft, so calm, yet eloquent, The smiles that win, the tints that glow, But tell of days in goodness spent, A mind at peace with all below, A heart whose love is innocent! -Lord Byron Damelus’ Song to Diaphenia by Henry Constable (1562-1613). Diaphenia, like the daffadowndilly, White as the sun, fair as the lily, Heigh ho, how I do love thee! I do love thee as my lambs Are belovëd of their dams- How blest were I if thou wouldst prove me! Diaphenia, like the spreading roses, That in thy sweets all sweets incloses, Fair sweet, how I do love thee! I do love thee as each flower Loves the sun’s life-giving power, For, dead, thy breath to life might move me. Diaphenia, like to all things blessed, When all thy praises are expressëd, Dear joy, how I do love thee! As the birds do love the spring, Or the bees their careful king,- Then in requite, sweet virgin, love me! Tell me not, Sweet, I am unkind For, from the nunnery Of thy chaste breast, and quiet mind, To war and arms I fly. True, a new mistress now I chase, The first foe in the field; And with a stronger faith- embrace A sword, a horse, a shield. Yet this unconstancy is such As you too shall adore; For, I could not love thee, Dear, so much, Loved I not honour more. – Richard Lovelace
12:29 PM
Monday, August 29, 2005
Refreshing memories
I’ve been thinking about love, and the lack of love in my life. I have good friends, a beautiful son, and a better grasp on my future..but the one thing that seems to slip through my fingers is love. Committed, encompassing, no holds barred love. That is what I want.
I want a man that I can wrap myself in, feel strong and protected with. I want to have eyes only for him. I want him to be the first thing I think about when I wake up, and his smile to be the last thing I see before drifting off to sleep next to him.
I want lazy Saturday mornings in my robe; making the people I love pancakes. Smiles over coffee and OJ, stealing kisses and snuggles throughout the day..
I want to trust him, and I want him to trust me. I want to kiss after a disagreement, I want him to listen to me, and I want to listen to him.
I want late nights watching old movies or silly sitcoms, with my head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat and feeling like I am finally home.
Release date: 05 June, 2001
12:23 PM
Sunday, August 28, 2005
You can’t see me *evil*
Someday I want to wake up next to someone in a great big bed on a cold January morning. I kiss the back of his neck and gently touch his left ear as he sleeps and quietly gasp at the coldness of his feet. I grin at the way he sometimes snores because I know he will deny it later. I close my eyes and drift off again, dreaming of his lips, only to wake again when he sneezes and then apologizes: “Sorry to wake you.” “I was just thinking of you; you didn’t interrupt.” He looks into my eyes and I squint back, trying to find my favorite freckle near the tip of his nose. He leans over and tucks a stray piece of hair behind my ear. I touch his face. He says, “I’m thinking of growing a goatee,” and although I resist change, I know I wouldn’t mind. ” I have to get ready for work,” I sigh, but even this reality can’t subtract from the total contentment we feel, and he smiles because I
he knows I really mean, “I love you.” He climbs slowly out of bed while I feel around for his socks under the covers, like every other morning. I throw one at him, then the other, but they fall silently behind as he shuffles across the room. He turns around and grins as he picks them up. “Coffee?” I say, and he smiles because he knows I really mean, ” I love you.” “Cream and sugar,” he replies; it’s what I ordered the day I got his number, and he never changed his mind after that.
I’ve been looking so long at these pictures of you that i almost believe that they’re real I’ve been living so long with my pictures of you that i almost believe that the pictures are all i can feel remembering you standing quiet in the rain as i ran to your heart to be near and we kissed as the sky fell in holding you close how i always held close in your fear remembering you running soft through the night you were bigger and brighter than the snow and screamed at the make-believe screamed at the sky and you finally found all your courage to let it all go remembering you fallen into my arms crying for the death of your heart you were stone white so delicate lost in the cold you were always so lost in the dark remembering you how you used to be slow drowned you were angels so much more than everything oh hold for the last time then slip away quietly open my eyes but i never see anything if only i had thought of the right words i could have hold on to your heart if only I’d thought of the right words i wouldn’t be breaking apart all my pictures of you Looking So long at these pictures of you but i never hold on to your heart looking so long for the words to be true but always just breaking apart my pictures of you there was nothing in the world that i ever wanted more than to feel you deep in my heart there was nothing in the world that i ever wanted more than to never feel the breaking apart all my pictures of you
Saturday, August 27, 2005
Don’t we all love something fresh, something female.
Tie yourself to me
No one else no
You’re not rid of me
No you’re not rid of me
Night and day I breathe
You’re not rid of me
Yeah you’re not rid of me
I beg you my darling
Don’t leave me
I’m hurting
Lick my legs I’m on fire
Lick my legs of desire
I’ll tie your legs
Keep you against my chest
Oh you’re not rid of me
Yeah you’re not rid of me
I’ll make you lick my injuries
I’m gonna twist your head off, see?
Till you say don’t you wish you never never met her
Don’t you don’t you wish you never never met her
I beg you my darling
Don’t leave me
I’m hurting
I’ve been lonely
Above everything
Above every day
I’m hurting
Lick my legs I’m on fire
Lick my legs of desire
Yeah you’re not rid of me
I’ll make you lick my injuries
I’m gonna twist your head off, see?
Till you say don’t you wish you never never met her
Don’t you don’t you wish you never never met her
Lick my legs I’m on fire
Lick my legs of desire
8:53 PM
Saturday, August 27, 2005
Starts with a J………..
The waiting drove me mad…you’re finally here and I’m a mess
I take your entrance back…can’t let you roam inside my head
I don’t want to take what you can give…
I would rather starve than eat your bread…
I would rather run but I can’t walk…
Guess I’ll lie alone just like before…
I’ll take the firmest path…oh, and I must refuse your test
A-push me and I will resist…this behavior’s not unique
I don’t want to hear from those who know…
They can buy, but can’t put on my clothes…
I don’t want to limp for them to walk…
Never would have known of me before…
I don’t want to be held in your debt…
And I’ll pay it off in blood, let I be wed…
And I’m already cut up and half dead…
I’ll end up alone like I began…
Everything has changed, absolutely nothing’s changed
Take my hand, not my picture, spilled my tincture
I don’t want to take what you can give…
I would rather starve than eat your breast…
All the things that others want for me…
Can’t buy what I want because it’s free… (2x)
Can’t be what you want because i’m…
I ain’t s’posed to be just fun
Oh, to live and die, let it be done
I figure I’ll be damned, all alone like I began…
It’s your move now…
I thought you were a friend, but I guess i, I guess I hate you…
7:00 PM
Saturday, August 27, 2005
Should be my theme song 🙂
Diabolus enim et alii dæmones a Deo quidem naturâ creati sunt boni, sed ipsi per se facti sunt mali.
Dominus ad dexteram tuam percussit in die furoris sui reges
Iudicabit in gentibus implebit valles percutiet caput in terra multa
De torrente in via bibet propterea exaltabit caput
Steve walks warily down the street,
With the brim pulled way down low
Ain’t no sound but the sound of his feet,
Machine guns ready to go
Are you ready, Are you ready for this
Are you hanging on the edge of your seat
Out of the doorway the bullets rip
To the sound of the beat
Chorus
Another one bites the dust
Another one bites the dust
And another one gone, and another one gone
Another one bites the dust
Hey, I’m gonna get you too
Another one bites the dust
How do you think I’m going to get along,
Without you, when you’re gone
You took me for everything that I had,
And kicked me out on my own
Are you happy, are you satisfied
How long can you stand the heat
Out of the doorway the bullets rip
To the sound of the beat
Chorus
Another one bites the dust
Another one bites the dust
Another one bites the dust
Another one bites the dust
There are plenty of ways you can hurt a man
And bring him to the ground
You can beat him
You can cheat him
You can treat him bad and leave him
When he’s down
But I’m ready, yes I’m ready for you
I’m standing on my own two feet
Out of the doorway the bullets rip
Repeating the sound of the beat
1:30 PM
Saturday, August 27, 2005
To you over there
Had me a trick and a kick and your message
Well you’ll never gain weight from a doughnut hole
Then thought that I could decipher your message
There’s no one here dear
No one at all
And if I’m wasting all your time
This time
Maybe you never learned to take
And if I’m hanging on to your shade
I guess I’m way beyond the pale
And southern men can grow gold
Can grow pretty
Blood can be purdy
Like a delicate man
Copper to steel to a hinge that is faltered
That let’s you in let’s you in let’s you in
Somethings’s just keeping you numb
You told me last night
You were a sun now with your very own
Devoted satellite
Happy for you
And I am sure that I hate you
Two sons too many too many able fires
Haaa Yeah
And you’ve been wasting all my time
This time
I said you never learned to take
And if I’m hanging on to your shade
I guess I’m way beyond the pale
12:24 PM
Saturday, August 27, 2005
Is it getting better
Or do you feel the same
Will it make it easier on you
Now you got someone to blame
You say
One love
One life
When it’s one need
In the night
It’s one love
We get to share it
It leaves you baby
If you don’t care for it
Did I disappoint you?
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth?
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without
Well it’s too late
Tonight
To drag tha past out
Into the light
We’re one
But we’re not the same
We get to carry each other
Carry each other
One
Have you come here for forgiveness
Have you come tor raise the dead
Havew you come here to play jesus
To the lepers in your head
Did I ask too much
More than a lot
You gave me nothing
Now it’s all I got
We’re one
But we’re not the same
We hurt each other
Then we do it again
You say
Love is a temple
Love a higher law
Love is a temple
Love the higher law
You ask me to enter
But then you make me crawl
And I can’t be holding on
To what you got
When all you got is hurt
One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
One life
With each other
Sisters
Brothers
One life
But we’re not the same
We get to carry each other
Carry each other
One
4:10 AM
Thursday, August 25, 2005
You wanted to know, admit it 😛
These are supposedly 25 questions that no one would ever think to ask:
o1. When you look at yourself in the mirror, what’s the first thing you look at? Makeup
o2. How much cash do you have on you?:50 cents I think…
o3. What’s a word that rhymes with “TEST”?: Jest
o4. Favorite plant?: Cactus. Fun to shoot.
o5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell?
Amanda
o6. What is your main ring tone on your phone?:
No cell now, but it used to be Smooth Criminal and the Godfather Love theme
o7. What shirt are you wearing?:
No shirt. See thru blue dress.
o8. Do you “label” yourself, could you?:
You can try.
o9. Name brand of your shoes currently wearing?
Barefoot.
1o. Bright or Dark Room?:
Dark.
11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?:
Totally fabulous.
12. Ever “spilled the beans”? Eat, spill, all the same.
13. What were you doing at midnight last night?:
Sleeping.
14. What was your last text message you received on your cell?
I believe it was from Robert.
15. Do you ever click on “Pop Ups” or Banner
Nope.
16. What’s a saying that you say alot?:
No worries, groovy, and you aint got to lie to hit it.
17. Who told you they loved you last?:
Robert.
18. Last furry thing you touched?:
Myself, havent shaved my woop woop in a week.
19. How many hours a week do you work?:
Paid- none
As a mother- 24/7/365
2o. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed?:
Zero
21. Favorite age you have been so far?:
Fetus
22. Your worst enemy?
Everyone I love.
23. What is your current desktop picture?:
My son with a huge smile and mouthful of eggs.
24. What was the last thing you said to someone?:
I said “It hurts my teeth”
25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to change a major regret?:
Major Regrets. Not killing my father when I had the chance.
7:21 PM
Thursday, August 25, 2005
Got it all(most)
Breeze still carries the sound
Maybe I’ll disappear
Tracks will fade in the snow
You won’t find me here
Ice is starting to form
Ending what had begun
I am locked in my head
With what I’ve done
I know you tried to rescue me
Didn’t let anyone get in
Left with a trace of all that was
And all that could have been
Please
Take this
And run far away
Far away from me
I am
Tainted
The two of us
Were never meant to be
All these
Pieces
And promises and left behinds
If only I could see
In my
Nothing
You meant everything
Everything to me
Gone fading everything
And all that could have been
Please
Take this
And run far away
Far as you can see
I am
Tainted
And happiness and peace of mind
Were never meant for me
All these
Pieces
And promises and left behinds
If only I could see
In my
Nothing
You meant everything
Everything to me
2:02 PM
Thursday, August 25, 2005
Hiding behind Tori
Right on time you get closer and closer
Call my name but there’s no way in
Use that fame
Rent your wife and kids today
Maybe she will maybe she will
Boys on my left side
Boys on my right side
Boys in the middle and you’re not here
Boys in their dresses and you’re not here
I need a big loan from the girl zone
I’ve been looking for a savior in these dirty streets
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I’ve been raising up my hands- drive another nail in
Just what God needs, one more victim
Why do we crucify ourselves
Everyday I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Everyday I crucify myself
And my heart is sick of being in chains
She knows what’s going on
Seems we got a cheaper feel now
All the sweeteaze are gone
Gone to the other side
With my encyclopedia
They musta paid her a nice price
She’s puttin on her string bean love
This is not really happening
You bet your life it is
I got something to say you know but nothing comes
Yes I know what you think of me- you never shut up
Yeah I can hear that
So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts
What’s so amazing about really deep thoughts
Boy you best pray that I bleed real soon
How’s that thought for ya
Years go by will I still be waiting
For somebody else to understand
Years go by if I’m stripped of my beauty
And the orange cloud raining in my head
Years go by will I choke on my tears
Till finally there is nothing left
One more casualty
You know we’re too easy easy easy
Well I love the way we communicate
Your eyes focus on my funny lip shade
Let’s hear what you think of me now but baby don’t look up
The sky is falling
You gave him your blood
And your warm little diamond
He likes killing you after you’re dead
You think I’m a queer
I think you’re a queer
I think you’re a queer
I think you’re a queer
I shaved every place where you been boy
I shaved every place where you been yes
God knows I know I’ve thrown away those graces
At least when you cry now
He can’t hear you
Sometimes I think you want me to touch you
How can I when you build a great wall around you
In your eyes I saw a future together
You just look away in the distance
You’re right next to me
I think that you can hear me
Funny how the distance learns to grow
Sometimes I think you want me to touch you
I never was there was there when it counts
I get my way
You’re so like me
You seemed ashamed
Ashamed that I was
A good friend of american soldiers
I’ll say it loud here by your grave
Those angels can’t ever take my place
So don’t give me respect don’t give me a piece of your preciousness
Flaunt all she’s got in our old neighbourhood
I’m sure she’ll make a few friends
Even the rain bows down let us pray as you cock-cock-cock your mane
No cigarettes only peeled havanas for you I can be cruel
I don’t know why
Hey jupiter
Nothing’s been the same
So are you gay
Are you blue
Thought we both could use a friend
To run to
And I thought I wouldn’t have to be with you
As something new
And I’ll run naked through the streets without my mask on
And I will never need umbrellas in the rain
I’ll wake up in strawberry fields everday
And the atrocities of school I can forgive
The happy phantom has no right to bitch
And if I die today
And if I die today
And if I die today
Chasin’ nuns out in the yard
Oo who- the time is getting closer
Oo who- the time to be a ghost
Oo who- everyday we’re getting closer
The sun is getting dim
Will I pay for who I been
Look I’m standing naked before you
Don’t you want more than my sex
I can scream as loud as your last one
But I can’t claim innocence
I could just pretend that you love me
The night would lose all sense of fear
But why do I need you to love me
When you can’t hold what I hold dear
And I hate
And I hate
And I hate
And I hate elevator music
The way we fight
The way I’m left here silent
Oh these little earthquakes
Here we go again
Oh these little earthquakes
Doesn’t take much to rip us into pieces
I can’t reach you
I can’t reach you
Give me life, give me pain
Give me myself again
1:28 PM
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
Nepenthes- a drug to make you forget.
Make me forget.
My dreams..my sad twisted heart.
My father
The sins of my family
My own sins
What I saw was enough to drive the future wild.
Those who have hurt a child
My childhood
My lost innocence
come on * come on * you think you’ll drive me crazy * come on * come on * you and whose army? * you and your cronies * come on * come on * holy roman empire * come on if you think * come on if you think you can take us on* you can take on * you and your army * you and your cronies * you forget so easy * we ride tonight * we ride tonight * most are still here
3:40 PM
Monday, August 22, 2005
Magic 8 Ball
is jenny pretty Ask Again Later does Steph love me? My Reply Is No Sup? Yes, Definitely Type your question here… It Is Certain who am i destined for Without A Doubt whats up You May Rely On It will this guy get kidnapped Better Not Tell You Now what is ur name? My Reply Is No Will me and Steph be together forever? It Is Certain does aceves like me? As I See It Yes will i get the job? As I See It Yes SHOULD I GO BACK TO SCHOOL? Yes, Definitely did shumon put that pic there cuz he ACTUALLY likes it? Signs Point To Yes will jaime suck my dick You May Rely On It IS MICHELLE GONNA MEET A NEW STUD? My Reply Is No …. Signs Point To Yes will me and aaron get married? My Reply Is No Type your question here… Yes Is Alex Reilly the fucking biggest loser? Reply Hazy Try Again Type your question here… It Is Certain will everything work out? As I See It Yes am i going to win the lotto tonight? Ask Again Later Will Tyler Halle call me tonight? Reply Hazy Try Again will mr payne come back My Sources Say No Will Tyler call me tonight? Very Doubtful does kc really like me Without A Doubt Will Tyler call me tonight [ ] Yes, [ ] No?? Better Not Tell You Now Will I ever loose weight? Outlook Good Will I get a boyfriend next year? Yes, Definitely is this guy gay? You May Rely On It will i find true love? Reply Hazy Try Again will ben call me Without A Doubt whats up Yes what the fuck?. Outlook Not So Good Type your question here… As I See It Yes Type your question here…will perla ever get married Cannot Predict Now Is Jess the most amazing girl ever? Yes, Definitely has isabelle cheated on me? Yes does chris like me? Concentrate And Ask Again Type your question here… You May Rely On It will i go out with chris? Signs Point To Yes will i ever go out with lauren? You May Rely On It is my brother a loser Yes does megan good like me? Outlook Good Type your question here… am i gay Better Not Tell You Now how will my week go? Outlook Not So Good will i have a boyfriend this year You May Rely On It Will I go on vacation? Concentrate And Ask Again Type your question here…is keenan gay? Cannot Predict Now Type your quedo i smoke weedstion here… Cannot Predict Now Does Ashley like Ryan? Reply Hazy Try Again r u gonna tell me the truth? Without A Doubt is it my fault Signs Point To Yes Type your question here…is dopey gaylol Signs Point To Yes Type your question here…WIll i make any money Dont Count On It is ben mad Yes will michael get pussy? As I See It Yes Does Ryan like Ashley? My Reply Is No will i meet someone in the next week? Yes Type your question here… Outlook Good Will Ryan and I last? Yes Type your question here… does marcos like raquel?? It Is Decidely So Type your question here…do i love my girlfriend Ask Again Later when will i get laid Cannot Predict Now Type your question here…Does Micheal sorta like me? Without A Doubt do ashley dancer really love me? Outlook Good Type your question here…will i have a boyfriend As I See It Yes is mark gay Outlook Good should i break up with my boyfriend? My Sources Say No am i awesome?lol As I See It Yes megan good is so sexy Better Not Tell You Now does kory want a girlfriend? My Reply Is No Are you gay? As I See It Yes Does he love me? Yes, Definitely umm Dont Count On It Did Anna go to bridport Carnival? It Is Decidely So is maddie really bad? You May Rely On It will kory wait for me Dont Count On It Type your question here…does gabriel like me? Outlook Good Will i ever meet Johnny Depp? My Reply Is No Type your question here… does any body like me Ask Again Later will will and i last? It Is Decidely So Will Betty and I get together? Most Likely does his parents get mad when i call? You May Rely On It am i ridiculously stupid? As I See It Yes do I like pizza or hotdogs? Dont Count On It Is Ryan going to ask me back out soon before school starts? Cannot Predict Now Is Ryan going to give me a second chance? Very Doubtful Type your question here…will dan ever like me Outlook Not So Good am i good at sex? My Reply Is No should i date ted? Outlook Not So Good are you lieing? Outlook Good why shouldnt i date him? Yes does he love me? Without A Doubt Type your question here…hows it going? Yes, Definitely Will Kayla and Paula break up soon? Very Doubtful is will the right one for me? Most Likely will i go to the olympics? As I See It Yes is luis cheating on me? Cannot Predict Now Type your question here…will me and niki stay together Concentrate And Ask Again
2:24 PM
Monday, August 22, 2005
In the timeless
Blog blog bloggy blog I like to say blog.
Someone I know has no clean underwear…….freeballin’ 🙂
Shhh I am in hiding. Don’t talk too loud. No one knows I am here. Okay..a few people do. They have all been sworn to secrecy. If anyone knows Photoshop, I could use a mask.
Also, snarkyness abounds. I will not contribute anymore ammo than I already have. I’d like to be the bigger man for once. I think it suits me. I have big hands..and pretty big feet. I wear size 10. I am ALL MAN baby!
At least..if I was I would be well hung.
Elvis can say “whats that” in the whispery voice we all use. It is ADORABLE and I want it on video.
ALSO
I miss a few of my old friends…Thoughtcriminal, where the hell did you go??
Pod, you rock. Been awhile, but I know you still do.
I miss the THA days. Before it became a war, back when it was just me, Pod and Thing..
*sings loudly*And you knew where you were then. Goirls were goirls and men were men….Mister we could use a man like Herbert Hoover agaaaaaaaaaaain
Sometimes I wonder what the next few months will bring. I am starting school in September..about time I start thinking about my future. It’s going to be a lot of work, and I have to make really good grades..
I think I can do it.
Maybe.
Hopefully.
*drops down on knees and prays to the giant electron in the sky*
Please shining penis allow me the brains to pass.
12:34 PM
Sunday, August 21, 2005
Emo-ing it up.
How many times do I have to try to tell you
That I’m sorry for the things I’ve done
But when I start to try to tell you
That’s when you have to tell me
Hey…this kind of trouble’s only just begun
I tell myself too many times
Why don’t you ever learn to keep your big mouth shut
That’s why it hurts so bad to hear the words
That keep on falling from your mouth
Falling from your mouth
Falling from your mouth
Tell me…
Why
Why
I may be mad
I may be blind
I may be viciously unkind
But I can still read what you’re thinking
And I’ve heard it said too many times
That you’d be better off
Besides…
Why can’t you see this boat is sinking
(This boat is sinking this boat is sinking)
Let’s go down to the water’s edge
And we can cast away those doubts
Some things are better left unsaid
But they still turn me inside out
Turning inside out turning inside out
Tell me…
Why
Tell me…
Why
This is the book I never read
These are the words I never said
This is the path I’ll never tread
These are the dreams I’ll dream instead
This is the joy that’s seldom spread
These are the tears…
The tears we shed
This is the fear
This is the dread
These are the contents of my head
And these are the years that we have spent
And this is what they represent
And this is how I feel
Do you know how I feel?
‘Cause I don’t think you know how I feel
I don’t think you know what I feel
I don’t think you know what I feel
You don’t know what I feel
Sonic (grrrrrrr) Youth
10 20 30 40
Tell me that you wanna hold me
Tell me that you wanna whore me
Tell me that you gotta show me
Tell me that you need to slowly
Tell me that you’re burning for me
Tell me that you can’t afford me
Time to tell your dirty story
Time turning over and over
Time turning four leaf clover
Betting on the Bull in the Heather
10 20 30 40
Tell me that you wanna scold me
Tell me that you adore me
Tell me that you’re famous for me
Tell me that you’re gonna score me
Tell me that you gotta show me
Tell me that you need to sorely
Time to tell your love story
Time turning over and over
Time turning four leaf clover
Betting on the Bull in the Heather

About me

I am great.
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