Transgressions Against Mankind
1. I have not committed murder, neither have I bid any man to slay on my behalf;
Well, abortion is murder.
2. I have not committed rape, neither have I forced any woman to commit fornication;
I don’t do chics, but there might have been a guy or twenty that wasn’t in the mood when I was.
3. I have not avenged myself, nor have I burned with rage;
I am doing both right now.
4. I have not caused terror, nor have I worked affliction;
Yeah..yeah I have.
5. I have caused none to feel pain, nor have I worked grief;
6. I have done neither harm nor ill, nor I have caused misery;
See above again, dammit.
7. I have done no hurt to man, nor have I wrought harm to beasts;
I hurt stupid men, or punchy men.
8. I have made none to weep;
Okay, because lots of people cry around me. Crying is HEALTHY.
9. I have had no knowledge of evil, neither have I acted wickedly, nor have I wronged the people;
I’m sorry; Egypt, I feel no guilt for that one.
10. I have not stolen, neither have I taken that which does not belong to me, nor that which belongs to another, nor have I taken from the orchards, nor snatched the milk from the mouth of the babe;
I have stolen, but not from babies.
11. I have not defrauded, neither I have added to the weight of the balance, nor have I made light the weight in the scales;
Defrauded…hmm..no, I don’t think so. Define fraud, though.
12. I have not laid waste the plowed land, nor trampled down the fields;
I ran through a wheat field once.
13. I have not driven the cattle from their pastures, nor have I deprived any of that which was rightfully theirs;
Nope, clear on this one.
14. I have accused no man falsely, nor have I supported any false accusation;
I accuse rightly as it suits my definition of “man” and “rightly”.
15. I have spoken no lies, neither have I spoken falsely to the hurt of another;
Yeah everyone has lied, you fucking lying liars.
16. I have never uttered fiery words, nor have I stirred up strife;
Shit, those words above were rather fiery.
17. I have not acted guilefully, neither have I dealt deceitfully, nor spoken to deceive to the hurt another;
Pretty sure that’s what made them cry.
18. I have not spoken scornfully, nor have I set my lips in motion against any man;
I’m sorry, but the last part screams blow-job. Never did it. Cripes, there be 15 again.
19. I have not been an eavesdropper;
The sport of kings!
20. I have not stopped my ears against the words of Right and Truth;
21. I have not judged hastily, nor have I judged harshly;
I am doing both right now, stupid everyone!
22. I have committed no crime in the place of Right and Truth;
In the place of? No. In spite of, yes.
23. I have caused no wrong to be done to the servant by his master;
24. I have not been angry without cause;
Who’s cause? I always have a damn good reason, even if I have to make it up.
25. I have not turned back water at its springtide, nor stemmed the flow of running water;
What? I made dams.
26. I have not broken the channel of a running water;
See above, you weirdo.
27. I have never fouled the water, nor have I polluted the land.
I peed in rivers, who hasn’t?
28. I have not cursed nor despised God, nor have I done that which God does abominate;
Pretty sure I abominate with the best of them.
29. I have not vexed or angered God;
Umm, yeah. Like THAT’S hard to do.
30. I have not robbed God, nor have I filched that which has been offered in the temples;
Robbed God? I stole holy water.
31. I have not added unto nor have I diminished the offerings which are due;
I don’t donate.
32. I have not purloined the cakes of the gods;
That sounds fantastic. Hey God, want your cake? TOO BAD!! BWHAHAHAHHAHAHAH
33. I have not carried away the offerings made unto the blessed dead;
Eww. Oh crap, but I have. This probably means tombstones and flower arrangements. I’m a swiper.
34. I have not disregarded the season for the offerings which are appointed;
I disregard all seasons and all offerings.
35. I have not turned away the cattle set apart for sacrifice;
We don’t really do that here.
36. I have not thwarted the processions of the god;
I giggled at the Holy Austin Activists, but I doubt they were thwarted.
37. I have not slaughtered with evil intent the cattle of the god;
Nope, however, yummers.
38. I have not acted guilefully nor have I acted in insolence;
Yes, yes I have.
39. I have not been overly proud, nor have I behaved myself with arrogance;
I am amazing.
40. I have never magnified my condition beyond what was fitting;
I AM AMAZING!
41. Each day have I labored more than was required of me;
Labor sounds sweaty. I dislike sweating.
42. My name has not come forth to the boat of the Prince.
My name? Can I check with the Prince before I answer?