Did you know the Egyptians had 42 commandments? Cause I did.


Transgressions Against Mankind

1. I have not committed murder, neither have I bid any man to slay on my behalf;

Well, abortion is murder.

2. I have not committed rape, neither have I forced any woman to commit fornication;

I don’t do chics, but there might have been a guy or twenty that wasn’t in the mood when I was.

3. I have not avenged myself, nor have I burned with rage;

I am doing both right now.

4. I have not caused terror, nor have I worked affliction;

Yeah..yeah I have.

5. I have caused none to feel pain, nor have I worked grief;

See above.

6. I have done neither harm nor ill, nor I have caused misery;

See above again, dammit.

7. I have done no hurt to man, nor have I wrought harm to beasts;

I hurt stupid men, or punchy men.

8. I have made none to weep;

Okay, because lots of people cry around me. Crying is HEALTHY.

9. I have had no knowledge of evil, neither have I acted wickedly, nor have I wronged the people;

I’m sorry; Egypt, I feel no guilt for that one.

10. I have not stolen, neither have I taken that which does not belong to me, nor that which belongs to another, nor have I taken from the orchards, nor snatched the milk from the mouth of the babe;

I have stolen, but not from babies.

11. I have not defrauded, neither I have added to the weight of the balance, nor have I made light the weight in the scales;

Defrauded…hmm..no, I don’t think so. Define fraud, though.

12. I have not laid waste the plowed land, nor trampled down the fields;

I ran through a wheat field once.

13. I have not driven the cattle from their pastures, nor have I deprived any of that which was rightfully theirs;

Nope, clear on this one.

14. I have accused no man falsely, nor have I supported any false accusation;

I accuse rightly as it suits my definition of “man” and “rightly”.

15. I have spoken no lies, neither have I spoken falsely to the hurt of another;

Yeah everyone has lied, you fucking lying liars.

16. I have never uttered fiery words, nor have I stirred up strife;

Shit, those words above were rather fiery.

17. I have not acted guilefully, neither have I dealt deceitfully, nor spoken to deceive to the hurt another;

Pretty sure that’s what made them cry.

18. I have not spoken scornfully, nor have I set my lips in motion against any man;

I’m sorry, but the last part screams blow-job. Never did it. Cripes, there be 15 again.

19. I have not been an eavesdropper;

The sport of kings!

20. I have not stopped my ears against the words of Right and Truth;

Maybe?

21. I have not judged hastily, nor have I judged harshly;

I am doing both right now, stupid everyone!

22. I have committed no crime in the place of Right and Truth;

In the place of? No. In spite of, yes.

23. I have caused no wrong to be done to the servant by his master;

No slaves.

24. I have not been angry without cause;

Who’s cause? I always have a damn good reason, even if I have to make it up.

25. I have not turned back water at its springtide, nor stemmed the flow of running water;

What? I made dams.

26. I have not broken the channel of a running water;

See above, you weirdo.

27. I have never fouled the water, nor have I polluted the land.

I peed in rivers, who hasn’t?

Sins

28. I have not cursed nor despised God, nor have I done that which God does abominate;

Pretty sure I abominate with the best of them.

29. I have not vexed or angered God;

Umm, yeah. Like THAT’S hard to do.

30. I have not robbed God, nor have I filched that which has been offered in the temples;

Robbed God? I stole holy water.

31. I have not added unto nor have I diminished the offerings which are due;

I don’t donate.

32. I have not purloined the cakes of the gods;

That sounds fantastic. Hey God, want your cake? TOO BAD!! BWHAHAHAHHAHAHAH

33. I have not carried away the offerings made unto the blessed dead;

Eww. Oh crap, but I have. This probably means tombstones and flower arrangements. I’m a swiper.

34. I have not disregarded the season for the offerings which are appointed;

I disregard all seasons and all offerings.

35. I have not turned away the cattle set apart for sacrifice;

We don’t really do that here.

36. I have not thwarted the processions of the god;

I giggled at the Holy Austin Activists, but I doubt they were thwarted.

37. I have not slaughtered with evil intent the cattle of the god;

Nope, however, yummers.

Personal Transgressions

38. I have not acted guilefully nor have I acted in insolence;

Yes, yes I have.

39. I have not been overly proud, nor have I behaved myself with arrogance;

I am amazing.

40. I have never magnified my condition beyond what was fitting;

I AM AMAZING!

41. Each day have I labored more than was required of me;

Labor sounds sweaty. I dislike sweating.

42. My name has not come forth to the boat of the Prince.

My name? Can I check with the Prince before I answer?

About me

I am great.
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