something strange is going on…


Three things that were just a dream and are now reality

My car is fine.

After thirteen months of being worried and unsure I got hired with benefits at a job I love.

You.

Three things that two months ago were going so badly that I wished just one would work out. Now all three are working out simultaneously. Something strange…

I have never asked and wished for something to happen and have it happen. I don’t even know if I can handle good things. I can handle bad things, I can handle climbing up from rock bottom.

How can I handle good things? My brain is wired for catastrophe, not comfort. I will not sabotage for the sake of normalcy (my normalcy).

Maybe 28 years of overcoming will let me enjoy everything I have worked for. Maybe I can relax.

Because I am now an official employee, and not just a temp–

My son can be enrolled in a private school next year. I know I shouldn’t try to protect him from certain truths, but I would hate to see him become the drone that public school and bureaucratic methodologies churn out.  My boy is an asshole, king of his own world, just like me. I cherish that in him above anything else. The day he bows down to another is the day my heart will break.

I can (finally) go to college. My own lack of education has been a thorn in my side, even if it has never been an obstacle in my real working life. I have always managed, even when it was barely. I know just enough to know I know nothing, and even after I meet my own personal goals in education, I know I will always want to know more.

I will have vacation time, and the money to take my son everywhere I went as a kid. He will see the mountains, play on glaciers, feel the smooth bark of aspen trees and take the obligatory photo standing in front of a redwood. He will eat clam chowder out of a sourdough bread bowl, and see water so clear and so deep it is unreal. He will stand where I stood, see what I have seen, lose the souvenirs that I bought him but remember always the way the Rockies smell, and the stars.

I no longer have to wait to start my life, and that is fucking incredible.

About me

I am great.
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