I just don’t understand so many things that everyone else seems to get immediately. No fuss, no muss…no long-winded tirades and no emotional scenes that feel fake even when you are in the middle of ’em.
I don’t know what I am anymore. Everything I worked so hard for is just gone…and the thought of working hard again just so it can also, one day, be gone…it’s just too much.
Maybe I need someone to tell me everything will be alright. I know you are supposed to be strong and omnipotent, or at least seem to be, when you have a child depending on you. I never want him to doubt me, but how?? How can I avoid that when I just seem to fail all the time?
Even when it isn’t my fault, shit just falls apart and most of my energy is spent just trying to keep something going. Maybe some people just…deserve it. Maybe I have been just shitty enough to deserve it. Fuck maybes. I have been.
I can’t even say that I am sorry. I am sorry for my son, sorry for what he might think, years from now. He is mine now, but what will I do if he sees me as others do, as I do?
I will go to college, one way or another. I will pick it all back up again, because what else can you do? Falling down in the street and sobbing never was a hobby of mine…even though–someone can tell me I’m sure—that must feel incredible.
So many people I wanted to love but never had the chance. Just one man…one that I would never be good enough for. Not you, Ben. I am still, shitty as I am, too good for you.
Just please, let me get what I want this time.