To stop myself from thinking about her and the (billion trillion) things I could have (should have) done differently and how nothing that has happened in the last four months (yesterday, was it four months or four years ago or yesterday???) would have happened if she was still here.
Been on this mad run of emotions, which inofitself is nothing new, but how I’ve gone about starting things and stopping things and pretending like none of it mattered because how could it matter (only four fucking months ago, you were three days old, Tallulah) when what happened happened. I just don’t know.
How can I have feelings for anyone? I can’t. It’s just (must be) make-believe because 1) I never have those feelings for anyone that is good for me (or to me, Julio…I will find you again one day; you scared my son you jealous coward) 2) it was only four months ago and I had a beautiful daughter, first daughter, my daughter and she only had seven more days left at three days old (not that I knew this then) and 3) what the fuck do I know?? I don’t know these feelings and what they mean.
Looking around I see nothing but a quiet house with a missing daughter. My boys. Elvis is in Dallas with his grandparents and Henry is with his dad now. My mom is upstairs watching TV and I am downstairs wishing you would say something.
Something like “I want to be with you, forever” but I know (because we both know) that was never going to happen, never will happen, not with you.
You say there’s something better out there for me and who knows. Maybe one day I’ll meet someone that really does love me and that I really love, too, and I won’t stay up all night talking myself out of my feelings I had for you. I just don’t see how. I come with too much. There’s just too much. There’s nothing.
But, I have my boys. Hopefully I’ll get a better job and can just bury myself back in those things and not worry about what I can’t have. Just say anything. Please.