Obviously, I don’t mind being let down. I expect to be let down. I prepare to be let down. It still hurts to be let down.
I haven’t found that off switch yet, but am confident that it will be found.
So, marching onwards to the next challenge.
I should get focused on doing something more productive with my life than bitching about my job. I think about my friends who try and encourage me to keep writing, keep drawing, try stand-up… I think about these things and it’s not exactly fear that is preventing me from doing these things, I am still just tired.
My mind is spent with grieving and cycling. I still do what I can in spite of that but I know I could do more if I could just be inspired.
Lust and hatred were my muses. Now I have little to lust after, much to hate, but even those emotions do nothing to override the lethargy that’s taken over me.
I am still. Stillness is stagnancy and stagnancy is what is killing whatever creativity I may have possessed. I know I have to fight. I think, maybe this is where fear comes in, I am afraid to fight for myself. Why would I?
I look at me and see nothing. I look at my boys and I see everything. I look at my friends and I see warmth and compassion and patience, everything I want to see in me but lack.
These moments are like any others, fleeting. Just a space that sucks.