Yes. Sometimes I am an asshole. Sometimes I’ve hurt men’s feelings. Sometimes I’ve had unhealthy reactions to their treatment of me.
Several men have hinted that I may be abusive. Some think that it can go both ways.
Some see what they want to see in a person.
But – no one knows what goes on in a relationship except for the two people in the relationship. Understand this above all else.
When you’re told your entire life by everyone you love and trust that you are an asshole, you are a bitch, you are a shitty mother, you’re crazy, you are a slut, you are wrong, you are shit with money and you can’t take care of yourself – well, you accept it. You know it can’t be true, because you’ve been taking care of yourself and your children and your family through some incredibly difficult times. But it confuses you, and so you believe the worst.
You don’t see that you deserve to be treated better because what does “better” mean? It’s degrees. First you accept their apologies. Then when you see they aren’t sorry you say “okay if he calls me names I’ll call him names”, if he goes through your belongings you’ll go through his right in front of him to show him how it feels. If he won’t love me I’ll find someone who does. It won’t matter. He just uses it as proof that you’re just as bad as he is.
If he starts hurting you physically you slap him. Now you’re violent, too. You’re very angry. You are “abusive”.
If you make fun of him and hurt his feelings, he won’t say a word then but will bring it up when you tell him he hurt yours. So we’re both assholes. Except you apologize and you stop. He doesn’t stop.
He won’t ever stop. But we’re both assholes.
Your kids see him trying to be nice but you know it’s just an act. They see you angry. You aren’t talking badly about their dads but they don’t understand why you can’t just say “sorry” and be done with it.
Anyway – I’ve had to learn a lot about what is and what is not abuse in the past few months. I’ve had to identify patterns. I’ve had to accept the fact that I’m just one of countless others.
If you know someone experiencing domestic violence, please educate yourself before you judge her, or him. I’ve been guilty of doing this – judging other women. I’m ashamed of that.
That’s all, thank you.