Wanting to be better. Not for your brothers, like I guess it should be, just for you.
So many people you never got to meet. And I’ll never know if it was something I did or didn’t do or just BAM time’s up!
Your name was Tallulah. You would have begrudged me, that.
The things you were. The things you could have seen AND BEEN!
Baby, you will never even know what real food tastes like. I have all of your experiences for you.
Goddamn. Baby girl.
We walk around, sometimes, all five of us and I’m so sorry, so goddamn sorry that it isn’t you.
I don’t understand it. I never will, I guess.
Do you remember anything?? Do you know how much I really fucking wanted you?
Okay, self. Let’s try something new for a change. I mean, the old, swirling darkness of hopelessness and despair was fun but it’s a bit…played out. You’re boring, self. So, in the interest of self-improvement, let’s think of the positive things that are happenening in your life:
Your boys – Ah, those maddeningly delightful, mischevious and sometimes hard to handle boys. You love them. You are proud of the men they are becoming. You try and do your best by them, sometimes you need to try harder, but all in all they are happy and healthy young men.
Okay, I will try and finish this now. Optimism, come back.
The new job is working out so far.
My boyfriend hasn’t left me yet.
His daughter hugged me and said she loves me.
I don’t have anything else.
I wish I was dead.
On the mother’s condition: “she is breathing, but she is dying…”
Seven months ago you died. Maybe Josh is right but I think I should keep my thoughts of you private. I think about you all the time. So much of me was buried with you, the good parts. The parts I wanted to give to you.
I hope there’s something nice for you out there.
Got engaged last night. On purpose. Not pregnant.
J: I have the strangest erection right now.
K: (confused stare)
K: what’s wrong with your rectum?
J: ( Jaw drops) Nooo I said “erection”.
[Seconds earlier I told him that I wanted to fuck him in the ass, so naturally I was concerned that he had some health issues]